A World Beyond Narcissism
Premium articles on narcissism and other cluster B types. Find freedom and personal power through knowledge of psychology and the practice of spirituality.
The Lurking Danger Of The Aware Narcissist
Narcissism is like a computer program with a predictable set of rules.
It starts with a dissociated, imaginary construct of the mind known as the false self, which compensates for a traumatised, shame-bound core. No matter what, a narcissist needs to constantly fuel this false self with narcissistic supply in the form of adulation, attention, sex, material goods or being served.
To fill the gaps in their dissociated reality, the narcissist gaslights themselves and others to form a Frankenstein truth, all in a desperate attempt to come across as ‘sane’ and ‘normal’.
A narcissist bonds with an idealisation rather than a real person, and when the real person infringes on the narcissist, the narcissist devalues and tosses them away. This cycle repeats infinitely until the narcissist dies or gives up on relationships, or the world gives up on them.
The narcissist hoovers old flames and friends when supply is low, and picks fights to get an emotional rise from you so they can better manipulate you.This list of ‘programs’ goes on and on.
When a narcissistic personality forms in early childhood, consciousness is effectively lost. The narcissist’s awareness and their True Self remain trapped in the pitch-black basement of the false self. Meanwhile, the false self hijacks the ego, and takes over the job of interacting with the world, cutting out the True Self in the process. Rather than the ego working in tandem with the wisdom and instinct of the True Self, the false self plays its rigid and predictable narcissistic programs. All of this is unconscious, and the narcissist remains on track for an equally predictable and miserable ending.
That is, however, until they awaken.
When A Narcissist Loses Their Mind
I once found myself having a conversation with a narcissist about the authentic Self and the human mind. They seemed genuinely curious, so I explained the process of detaching from the ego and instead directing your conscious awareness further inside.
The Narcissist’s Lifelong Villain Arc
A villain arc is used to describe a period of time after tragedy strikes a person’s life, leading to them becoming selfish and self-centred to cope with their trauma.
The simplest example of a villain arc is after a breakup, where a person isolates themselves and undergoes extreme self-improvement. Think break-up beards and style changes, gym memberships and solo travel.
A villain arc is intended to process pain by setting harsh boundaries. It is a space to work on oneself to restore self-esteem, to ‘hate the world’ so that one’s rage at being betrayed can be released without doing others harm.
What Makes A Narcissist Irresistible
Before you got mixed up in a narcissist’s dystopia, you laid eyes on them — and found them irresistible. I would propose, however, that it was not the narcissist’s physical attractiveness which lured you in, but rather that the attraction was Oedipal.
Most targets of narcissists have parents who exhibit Cluster B personality disorder traits. The parent might be a textbook narcissist, or a textbook borderline with pronounced grandiosity, or a borderline with a narcissistic overlay. In some cases, the parent might be malignant and psychopathic. At the very least, the parent will exhibit codependent and controlling traits.
Does A Narcissist Know They Are A Narcissist?
The road toward a narcissist knowing they are a narcissist is treacherous, with many twists and turns.
First, there needs to be a spark of awareness. Most narcissists would never bother to learn about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. They might simply know that narcissists brag and think bigly of themselves. The narcissist may admit that perhaps they are like that, but will reason it away: Sure, but what’s wrong with confidence? they might say. Lots of people brag about themselves. Better than being a quiet loser.
As knowledge of narcissism and Cluster B personality disorders spreads through the masses like wildfire, many narcissists might have been called a narcissist by their ex-lovers, friends or family. With this come microscopic cracks in the narcissist’s consciousness, and an awareness of narcissism as a concept breaks through.
Maybe the narcissist runs across an article, or searches up the topic. On the other end of the scale, a narcissist could be a therapist or in the field of mental health. They know all of the terminology and concepts. They might be well-versed in Freud, Jung, Kernberg, CBT, DBT and so on.
Yet no matter what path they take, all a narcissist has at this particular stage is cognitive knowledge about narcissism, and a far-off suspicion that they could be one.
The Narcissist’s Narcissist
The more we learn about narcissism, the more tangled the web becomes. We know there are covert narcissists who lurk in the shadows. We probably do not know they are narcissists. How then can they?
Furthermore, covert narcissists typically fall prey to overt narcissists in a two-person, codependent hierarchy, becoming unadulterated, pure narcissistic supply in the process. If they read up on narcissism, the covert narcissist will quickly see themselves as the victim of narcissistic abuse. Over time, as they delve deeper into the topic, they become more and more convinced of their victimhood. Their narcissism was buried deep to begin with, now another pile of rubble has been tossed on top.
Are All Narcissists Evil?
There is a lot of talk online that narcissists walk around showboating, manipulating and thinking about evil deeds all day.
When you look at the Cluster B personality disorder map, you find that the reality is far more complex. Narcissists with psychopathy do have premeditated and malicious intent. They’re called malignant narcissists. Narcissists with a borderline core have empathy, and only cause harm because of their fear of abandonment and emotional dysregulation. Histrionics just want to be noticed and desired. That is, each ‘narcissist’ can be driven by different motivations.
What Lies Within A Narcissist’s Core
Those who fall for a narcissist’s charm tend to become dazzled by what lies on the outside. An overt narcissist usually appears to be high-energy, passionate, infinitely fascinating and confident. They tend to be well-dressed, have impeccable posture and body language, and always know the right things to say.
Covert narcissists, on the other hand, exude mystery and wonder. They say only what needs to be said, and exhibit a quiet curiosity in you. They may be calm, intelligent and have certain unusual quirks to their lifestyle and past which draw your interest.
Overt narcissists are brilliant at keeping you distracted in the peacock formations of their outer false self. Covert narcissists have a harder time maintaining such a frame, and along with their air of mystery, they draw your curiosity within, raising the question: Who are you really?
Crossing The Threshold Of The False Self
Narcissism, above all, is a compensation for what is lacking.
The building blocks for a fully-formed True Self are warmth, nurture, safety, encouragement and acceptance. It is in this acceptance that a person demonstrates their love for you, having seen you at your most authentic, yet loving you nonetheless. This loving witness is what the narcissist lacked in their childhood, and it left them with a howling sense of terror, shame and self-disgust.
13 Ways A Narcissist Shames You
Along with fear, shame is the narcissist’s ultimate weapon. They use it to crush your self-esteem and make you maleable to their influence.
A narcissist might shame you in the following ways:
Strive always to be in control: This can be as simple as impatiently snatching the broom from you when you’re sweeping and doing the job themselves. Refusing to relinquish control or to allow a person to learn at their own pace makes them feel incapable of ‘getting the job done’.
Use condescending stares/eye rolling: A patronising look can communicate a message like “I’m doing you a favour just by tolerating you and allowing you to be around me”.
Snicker and laugh at your weaknesses: That all knowing laugh when you make a mistake communicates how amusing you are in comparison to a person who wouldn’t make the same error. Quite often, the mistake is not even a mistake, but a snicker at something you simply did a different way to how the narcissist would do it. Not uncommon still is being laughed at even if you did something correctly, just to make you question yourself and think the narcissist knows something you don’t.
How Narcissists Always Manage To Land On Their Feet
Soon after the discard, the narcissist seems to immediately move on to the next person without a hitch. After shaming and shattering a person’s self-esteem, the narcissist shows no remorse. The narcissist violates others, taking what they want, then moves on with little impact to their own life. While others exhibit the wear and tear of life, and buckle under the weight of their emotions, the narcissist seems as calm as a Spring day. How do they manage this?
To understand why narcissists seem to land on their feet every time, you need to separate the realms of reality and story.
Why A Narcissist Gets Jealous
Narcissists experience jealousy in relationships uniquely, and is driven by how they see and internalise the people in their lives.
In short, whether a narcissist experiences jealousy or not depends on:
The Narcissist & The Art of Persuasion
At the heart of every narcissist, behind their elaborate false self which can fool almost anyone, lies a timeless methodology. Coined by Aristotle over two thousand years ago, the ‘three pillars of persuasion’ have remained a universal blueprint for influence, and are outlined as follows:
Ethos (Appeal to credibility)
To have ethos is to project competence, divinity and authority. How a person dresses, their body language, their expression, and their ability to demonstrate success and status all come together as ethos.
Think Adolf Hitler. He tailored his appearance and body language to create the impression of authority, showing abnormal discipline in honing his image. He rarely faltered in public, maintaining perfect posture and controlled body movements. The illusion of greatness had to be seamless and absolute. Hitler also touted his war record as proof of his bravery and loyalty to his country.
Kim Kardashian is another example. She has dedicated herself absolutely to her image, surgically sculpting her body and perfecting her movements, posture and behaviour to create the illusion of divinity and perfection.
Ethos is potent. It persuades without making demands. In the uninitiated mind, the presence of a person of apparent strength, beauty or competence demands submission.
4 Reasons A Narcissist Says No To Sex
Having your partner withhold sex in a relationship can be particularly painful. It leaves you feeling unwanted, unworthy, and even repulsive. The question then arises:
Why? What is wrong with me?
In a normal relationship, a candid conversation can often dispel doubts and recreate the intimacy required to restore the sexual relationship.
In the case of narcissists, the landscape is very different. Sex creates vulnerability, and vulnerability is anathema to the narcissist. If you enquire as to what is going on, they might gaslight you or blame you for it. This can leave you frustrated and looking elsewhere for answers.
Some reasons why a narcissist might withhold sex are:
1. Punishment
You have offended or hurt the narcissist, and they want to express their anger in the form of punishment. They want you to feel the pain they feel, and this has a sadistic edge to it. It especially happens with malignant narcissists and narcissists who have a psychopathic overlay to their personality. Quite simply, they want revenge, and they know that withholding sex creates immense hurt in you. They want you to feel undesirable and repulsive. That is the point.
2. Cerebral Narcissism
The narcissist is in a cerebral phase, and sex does not interest them. A narcissist does not necessarily enjoy sex, they only use it to get their partner attached to them, or, in the case of a somatic narcissist, to gain narcissistic supply.
A Deep Dive Into The Narcissist’s False Self
The ‘false self’ is a concept which lies at the core of narcissism discourse, yet is rarely thoroughly explored. In some ways, it is as ambiguous and difficult to define as the True Self.
I’ve contemplated the false self for years, both as an idea and as it might exist in myself, which often spurs feelings of resistance. This internal pushback provides the first clue about the false self: It does not want to be exposed.
So what is the false self hiding?
To Know What Is False, Reveal What Is True
Let’s begin by considering the True Self and the Ego.
The True Self is your internal blueprint. It is your universal and ancestral potential, which is compelled to contribute to the game of evolution by expressing its energy in the world. The True Self contains your emotions, your instincts, your nature, your drives and your archetypes, such as the warrior, the diplomat, the sage and the lover. The True Self allows you to express energy in the world in fascinating forms, from the capacity to assert your strength, to your ability to lead others, to finding clever solutions to problems. Yet the True Self has no mind and no eyes. For that, it needs the ego.
The ego is your representative in the world. It analyses, judges and makes decisions aimed at what it deems to be in your best interest. The ego determines which actions will keep you safe, nurtured and prospering in life. It also alters how you interact with others, customising your personality in different contexts to better get your needs met. You might be submissive and appeasing, aiming to soften others into supporting you. You might be hard and aggressive instead, hoping to force cooperation. If you judge someone as ‘inferior’ or detrimental to your standing in society, you might grow contemptuous and detached, looking to avoid being negatively influenced by them.
When isolated, the ego seems like a cold and greedy tool of manipulation — which is precisely what it is. The ego is a tool of the mind which evolved as a needs-meeting machine. Yet a world driven by ‘machines’ leads to exploitation and ruin. Humans are motivated by much more than their basic needs. Purpose. Beauty. Meaning. Love. Belonging. Connection. Joy in being. These are just some of the authentic qualities which are beyond the ego. To function in a way that is beneficial to humanity, we need a healthy ego which allies itself with the True Self.
Harmony Within, And Without
A healthy ego aims to accurately read our inner reality i.e. the mysterious designs of our True Self, while harmonising it with outer reality i.e. what the world demands of us.
The True Self is indeed a mysterious metaphysical organism, with each person seemingly born having a unique ‘nature’. A person’s temperament is driven greatly by their True Self, along with what they are drawn towards and what resonates with them. Some people are warriors by nature, craving the challenge of conquering and shaping the world according to a higher design. Others are thinkers and philosophers, able to access hidden realms and share their discoveries for the benefit of mankind. Some are abrasive by nature, others are healers.
When a person has a regulated nervous system, has successfully attuned to their True Self, and possesses an understanding of how reality and the world work, then the True Self can better actualise. Such a person intimately knows and accepts their nature. Armed with a healthy ego, they go about negotiating their place in the world.
Unless, of course, they carry complex trauma, in which case their trajectory is vastly different.
The Wounded Ego
Developing an ego capable of guiding the True Self towards actualisation is a delicate process. It requires skilled and wise parenting.
A child begins life in an unadulterated, authentic state, with an emerging ego thirsty for knowledge. Along with explaining to the child how the world works and how to act in it, the healthy parent empowers the child’s True Self in various ways.
The Five Weaknesses All Narcissists Have
If you ever wondered what it would be like to spend a day in the shoes of a narcissist, look no further. Here are five weaknesses all narcissists have that cause chaos and pain in their lives:
They’re Addicts
Because their entire sense of self is predicated on a constant stream of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is effectively an addict. Deep down, they crave attention, adulation and services. Without it, they would be met with a horrifying existential angst, and be faced with the spectre of their underlying trauma and toxic shame.
While on the surface the narcissist might seem calm and in control, it only takes an extended period of indifference to them or abandonment to turn the screws and reveal their true nature.
Since they are so reliant on narcissistic supply, the narcissist is susceptible to being buttered up. Act helpless in front of them, compliment them and do as they say, and they can’t help but play the saviour and give you their time.Being the doorway to their supply is the best way to control them, taking that supply away is the best way to thrust them into crisis and chaos.
They Live In A Fantasy World
The narcissist has a hard time truly seeing others and interacting with reality. They have gaps in memory, they see people as they want them to be, and they overlook important details. This leads to a lot of dysfunction and frustration, as the world they see is an illusion, and does not respond how they expect.
How To Spot A Narcissist Early
From the obnoxious person at a social gathering, to meeting a narcissist while dating, to the manipulative ex who leaves you with lifetime scars, the term ‘narcissist’ is an umbrella term which can leave you asking: How can you spot a narcissist before it’s too late?
As many targets of narcissistic abuse can attest, this question often leads down a rabbit hole which challenges everything you thought you knew about people. Yet learning to spot a narcissist early is a crucial skill in avoiding narcissistic abuse.
Spot A Narcissist By The Things They Say
What the narcissist says can reveal their agenda, even when it seems like what they are saying is mundane or even nice.
Some phrases the narcissist uses and their hidden meanings are:
I like you: Usually said very soon after they meet you. This only means that they feel they can draw narcissistic supply from you.
I never…: This is followed by something which raises their perceived worth in the eyes of others. Examples are: ‘I never have to line up’, ‘I never fail a test’ or ‘I never get rejected’. Everyone lines up for things, occasionally fails tests, and gets rejected, so such statements only act as ways to put dents in your self-esteem.
Why do you…?: ‘Why do you dress like that?’ ‘Why did you pick that colour?’ and so on. These phrases are intended to destabilise your sense of Self and make you question your decision-making.
You’re cute: 2-year-olds are cute. This phrase only acts to remind you that you are submissive to the narcissist.
How The Narcissist Makes You Feel
Of all the narcissist’s traits, it is crucial to consider how they make you feel. Signs you are dealing with a narcissist include the following:
A Burning Feeling Of Shame
Shame is an unpleasant emotion. At its mildest, it is a slight ache in the chest and a loss of vigour. At its most potent, it physically deflates you — your head sinks into your shoulders, your shoulders slump, and your body crumples.
Shame emotionally stunts you — your brain feels foggy and sluggish, you question yourself, you lose heart and you hold back your feelings and opinions. It’s an emotion that reduces your mental capacity — you draw a blank and can’t think or come up with any ideas.
If you spot this happening to you when in the presence of a certain person, it could very well be a sign that they are a narcissist who has been slowly wearing down your self-esteem.
Shame is one of the most powerful emotions the narcissist exploits. It is the emotion of worth which drives a person to redeem themselves.
The narcissist’s strategy around shame is two-fold. Firstly, they act shameless by avoiding accountability, talking themselves up, and denying any fault or wrong doing. By constantly framing themselves this way, the narcissist sets themselves apart from the other ‘flawed’ person.
Secondly, the narcissist shames their target by ridiculing them, pointing out their flaws and questioning their choices. This puts them on the back foot and causes them to feel inferior.
A Dull Sense Of Despair
One of the signs that you have a narcissist in your life is the ‘endless treadmill’ dream. In this nightmare, you are trying to catch someone or obtain something, but you never quite catch it.
A relationship with a narcissist is just like chasing a unicorn. You fight and scramble to connect authentically, yet you never quite get it.
5 Examples Of Covert Narcissistic Abuse For The Uninitiated
A narcissist must always be special and superior to others. This much we know. There are many examples of the ways they achieve this. Showboating.Pretending. Talking over you. The covert narcissist, on the other hand, works in the shadows. They hypnotise you while relying on your lack of awareness of their covert narcissistic abuse. Rather than inflate themselves, they achieve a sense of superiority by deflating you instead.
The covert narcissist has two aims:
To enforce control over you.
To maintain a mismatch in the relationship, with you at the bottom.
On the surface, all seems fine when you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Meanwhile, the slow-acting poison of their covert narcissistic abuse sets in. That dark, heavy feeling of shame descends. You become less assertive, and less able to say no. You question yourself. Your legitimacy. Your right to speak out. How did this happen?
Awareness breaks the cycle. Here are five examples of covert narcissistic abuse which are difficult to spot:
Example 1: Comparing You To Others
During a discussion about your future, the covert narcissist reminds you that the next-door neighbour’s daughter is already engaged. As you chat about your health and fitness goals, the covert narcissist reminisces on how in-shape their ex was.
Comparison is one of the most brutal ways our inner critic shames us. We compare ourselves to others constantly, and the more we do, the worse we feel.
Yet we often forget that this subtle and cruel tactic can come from outside. So-and-so did it, why can’t you?Look at what so-and-so did, isn’t that great? In these two examples of covert narcissistic abuse, the first is an on-the-nose comparison, whereas the second example leaves it to you to make the comparison. In both cases, shame is the result.
The covert narcissist ‘innocently’ points something out, and their target is left to feel insufficient as a result. Even when it is done under the guise of supporting you, comparison is terribly shaming, and almost always counter-productive.
In the pursuit of a goal, comparison can spur healthy shame and encourage you to improve.
Yet the only healthy way to grow is by comparing yourself to your past self.
Each day is a chance to be better than you were yesterday. Each day is a chance to grow. What others are doing and what stage they are at is their business.
The Narcissist’s 4 Steps For Control
1, 2, 3, 4 – it goes as follows:
1. Lure in
To obtain narcissistic supply, a narcissist creates a container for their target to enter into. This is often a social group i.e a business, a spiritual movement, a friendship circle, even a family.
The container can be psychological, in that the narcissist verbally engages you to gather how susceptible you are to lower your boundaries and enter their world.
It can also be romantic, where the narcissist may seduce you to lure you in.
In any case, the narcissist needs you in their ‘territory’.
2. Charm
The narcissist has your time and attention. Now they need your investment of Self. To soften you up, they will shower you with attention, care, interest and compliments.
Can A Narcissist Turn Into An Empath?
Narcissism arises early in childhood due to a mother who is too distracted to see the child and mirror back their True Self. As a result, narcissism lies at the core of a person.
An empath, also known as a highly-sensitive person, is someone who develops a dependent style of attachment. The empath pays close attention to their loved ones and tries to anticipate their reactions. The empath abandons their own needs, and lives vicariously through others. The tiniest reaction, both negative and positive, impacts the empath immensely. Disapproval crushes the empath, approval fills them with hope and euphoria.
This dependent style of attachment develops throughout a person’s life, and exists on the surface of their personality. It is an adaptive behaviour used to create a sense of security and ward off abandonment through neediness and anticipating the emotions of others.
In some cases, an empath has a covert, narcissistic core. That is, their narcissism lay dormant beneath their dependence, and rarely came out. An empath with a covert narcissistic core craves adulation, and is prone to the idealise-devalue-discard cycle. However, their neediness and attachment to others kept them in relationships in a subservient position.
Over time, the empath with a covert, narcissistic core may grow frustrated and angry by the people in their life who use and manipulate them.
Why It Took So Long To See Your Mother’s Narcissism
To see your mother as ‘narcissistic’ is a terribly difficult thing to do, for reasons that go way back and which cut deep into our social structure as well.
The idea of mother is that she is a source of security, warmth, acceptance and regeneration. We’re supposed to go to her to make things ‘ok’ again when life gets difficult or painful. She’s the first figure in our lives at a time when we were the most vulnerable and in need.
In short, our survival depended on her. And we knew it. We felt it in our bones. This need was all-consuming. She was the one figure who stood between a Utopian calm and warmth or falling into a dystopian state of pure terror. This might sound exaggerated, but for a child, fear is always at the gate, and mummy is the one who is supposed to make it go away.
The fact that your mother could be a wounded person with a destructive ego construct never entered your consciousness. All you were concerned about was having a ‘good’ mother to look after you.
Children are magical in their thinking, and this ‘good mother’ is a very real part of your psyche. In a child’s mind, this figure is absolutely real, and you seek to connect with it through your own mother. As a survival mechanism, it makes total sense.
As you grow older, this longing doesn’t just disappear. It only disappears if your mother was sufficiently able to play the part. If she was able to nurture your needs and fears and lead you to maturity, the day would come when you realised she was a human being with faults.
The Effects Of Narcissism On Children
Children who grow up in the shadow of a narcissistic parent experience a kind of role reversal which stunts their development in numerous ways.
For a child to grow up into an empowered and emotionally-mature adult, they need their parent’s support, mirroring, respect and understanding. The child must be seen by the parent for who they are, not for who the parent wishes they were. Because a narcissistic parent is mostly identified with their grandiose, ego-based false self, they have no capacity to empathise and connect authentically with their child’s emotional needs.
The child’s needs remain, however. The child can’t shut them off. In a desperate attempt to secure their parent’s goodwill, the child stops expecting love, support and attention, and instead turns their attention toward the parent. They intuit what the parent reacts to, and adapt their behaviours and beliefs to suit the whims of their parent.
Ultimately, the narcissistic parent is an addict, whose drug of choice is narcissistic supply. To maintain their sense of grandiosity, they expect adulation, submission, unwavering loyalty and services from their children. Above all, they expect never to be challenged in their grandiosity.
This is destructive because the child’s sense of worth then becomes tied to a delusional ego-construct which is not based in reality. The child’s map of the world becomes completely distorted in a narcissistic family. This results in numerous developmental traumas such as:
What It’s Like In A Narcissistic Family
The unaware child experiences their narcissistic family like any other. If you ask them about their childhood, they will tell you that it was great. Faultless. Ideal. They love their parents dearly, and they were lucky to have such a wonderful childhood.
After a brief moment, however, they stare off into the distance. A crease appears between their eyebrows. They open their mouth to speak, then hesitate.
“I mean,” they finally begin. “It wasn’t exactly amazing all the time. But it could have been worse. I’m lucky.”
And with that, the creased eyebrows fade, and the person who grew up in a narcissistic family returns from their far-off state of dissociation. Balance has been restored in their cognitively-dissonant mind.
So what just happened? Did this person have a good childhood, or not?
Herein lies the surface-level experience of what it is like to grow up in a narcissistic family: An uneasy denial of what actually happened.
The Conflict Between Denial And Truth
Humans have a wide array of tricks to shield themselves from uneasy truths and painful emotions — and living in a narcissistic family generates plenty of both. The solution for the child of narcissism is to dissociate, deny and reframe their reality to numb their pain and ensure their sanity.
Narcissistic parents can never face their shame, their negative emotions or admit to their flaws and weaknesses. They need to be seen positively by others at all times.
To maintain this grandiosity, the narcissistic parent must distort reality and bend their children into the right shape. The narcissistic parent therefore questions, judges, ridicules, undermines and controls their children at every step. Worst of all, the narcissistic parent treats their children as sources of narcissistic supply, and only provides the children with positive regard when they fulfil the narcissist’s grandiose and rigid expectations.
All of this is intolerable to the child, whose deep needs to be seen, mirrored, nurtured, loved and encouraged remain unfulfilled. Instead, the child’s True Self collides against infinite collision points, which generates oceans of shame, rage and resentment.