How To Spot A Narcissist Early
From the obnoxious person at a social gathering, to meeting a narcissist while dating, to the manipulative ex who leaves you with lifetime scars, the term ‘narcissist’ is an umbrella term which can leave you asking: How can you spot a narcissist before it’s too late?
As many targets of narcissistic abuse can attest, this question often leads down a rabbit hole which challenges everything you thought you knew about people. Yet learning to spot a narcissist early is a crucial skill in avoiding narcissistic abuse.
Spot A Narcissist By The Things They Say
What the narcissist says can reveal their agenda, even when it seems like what they are saying is mundane or even nice.
Some phrases the narcissist uses and their hidden meanings are:
I like you: Usually said very soon after they meet you. This only means that they feel they can draw narcissistic supply from you.
I never…: This is followed by something which raises their perceived worth in the eyes of others. Examples are: ‘I never have to line up’, ‘I never fail a test’ or ‘I never get rejected’. Everyone lines up for things, occasionally fails tests, and gets rejected, so such statements only act as ways to put dents in your self-esteem.
Why do you…?: ‘Why do you dress like that?’ ‘Why did you pick that colour?’ and so on. These phrases are intended to destabilise your sense of Self and make you question your decision-making.
You’re cute: 2-year-olds are cute. This phrase only acts to remind you that you are submissive to the narcissist.
How The Narcissist Makes You Feel
Of all the narcissist’s traits, it is crucial to consider how they make you feel. Signs you are dealing with a narcissist include the following:
A Burning Feeling Of Shame
Shame is an unpleasant emotion. At its mildest, it is a slight ache in the chest and a loss of vigour. At its most potent, it physically deflates you — your head sinks into your shoulders, your shoulders slump, and your body crumples.
Shame emotionally stunts you — your brain feels foggy and sluggish, you question yourself, you lose heart and you hold back your feelings and opinions. It’s an emotion that reduces your mental capacity — you draw a blank and can’t think or come up with any ideas.
If you spot this happening to you when in the presence of a certain person, it could very well be a sign that they are a narcissist who has been slowly wearing down your self-esteem.
Shame is one of the most powerful emotions the narcissist exploits. It is the emotion of worth which drives a person to redeem themselves.
The narcissist’s strategy around shame is two-fold. Firstly, they act shameless by avoiding accountability, talking themselves up, and denying any fault or wrong doing. By constantly framing themselves this way, the narcissist sets themselves apart from the other ‘flawed’ person.
Secondly, the narcissist shames their target by ridiculing them, pointing out their flaws and questioning their choices. This puts them on the back foot and causes them to feel inferior.
A Dull Sense Of Despair
One of the signs that you have a narcissist in your life is the ‘endless treadmill’ dream. In this nightmare, you are trying to catch someone or obtain something, but you never quite catch it.
A relationship with a narcissist is just like chasing a unicorn. You fight and scramble to connect authentically, yet you never quite get it.
