A World Beyond Narcissism
Premium articles on narcissism and other cluster B types. Find freedom and personal power through knowledge of psychology and the practice of spirituality.
Narcissism Doesn’t Pay — And How Psychopathy Can
Is being a narcissist worthwhile? Would the benefits they gain from their grandiosity constitute a ‘life well lived’? When all is said and done, would the narcissist wish they had lived an ‘ordinary’ life of empathy, humility and shared humanity, or would they look back with nostalgia at all the ecstatic highs that came from being ‘superior in every way’?
Life In The Limelight: The Narcissist
What are the perks of being a narcissist? For one, you can avoid feeling shame or facing the painful reality of your life. Grew up in a family which never loved you? Become so magnetic and ascendant that people will have no choice but to admire you. Life getting mundane? Sweep yourself up with a grandiose fantasy of success, and experience the best of what life has to offer. Sure, all of this will be in your mind, but at least you have dealt with the discomfort of reality.
Perhaps the greatest perk of all is having a plethora of adorers who buy into your ‘superiority’. While a narcissist’s grandiosity is in their mind, it can be compelling enough to convince others that the narcissist is truly confident and high status. And as people fall for the facade, they make tangible offers to the narcissist; attention, time, companionship, sex, money and other services.
A narcissist would never admit it, but there are downsides to this life. A covert narcissist gets the short end of the stick. Their grandiosity is far less convincing than an overt narcissist, and they are more susceptible to falling prey to psychopaths and other predatory types.
Yet even with overt narcissism, every adorer eventually sees that the grandiose facade was bluster all along. As the years pass, the narcissist comes to realise that every relationship is on borrowed time. Either their idealisation of the person will lose steam, or vice versa.
Furthermore, narcissists do not always draw in unwitting victims who eventually break free, learn better and move on. A narcissist very often attracts wounded people who instrumentalise them in turn, and expose them to constant crazy-making drama. Many narcissists grow disillusioned by relationships after suffering too much frustration and humiliation.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Narcissists are master illusionists, and this applies equally to themselves. They may remain defiant until the end, convinced that everyone else was the loser, even as the narcissist sits in solitude with nobody to care for them.
Narcissism ‘pays’ so long as you can fool people into buying into your fantasy world. Yet when everything is based on bluster, nothing of substance remains. A narcissist’s life has little real-world benefit. All they leave behind is a legacy of failure and heartbreak, as the world carries on without them.
So no, narcissism most certainly does not pay.
The psychopath, on the other hand, has a different set of challenges which brings different rewards — some of which might stick.
The Narcissistic Trinity
A narcissist is a one-person religion. They gallivant through the world, looking to ‘convert’ targets into believers. By offering the promise of transcendence, they aim to replace God in the consciousness of their victims.
To help illustrate this process, let’s break down the narcissist’s ‘godliness’ in the same manner as the Christian Holy Trinity (The Father, The Son And The Holy Spirit):
1. The False Self (The Father)
The grandiose false self is the narcissist’s larger-than-life persona. The narcissist might act aloof and self-important, appearing stoic and vengeful like the Old Testament God, or they could be more ‘parental’ and unconditional in their love like the New Testament God.
Although it is a construct of the mind, the false self emits an immortal vibe. There is a conviction in the narcissist which is unaffected by external challenges. This creates a duality between you and the narcissist, forcing you to take the opposing ‘mortal’ position.
The Old Testament narcissist, through their authoritative appearance, demands that you submit to them like a cowering child. The New Testament narcissist, on the other hand, emulates the ideal parental love, inviting you into their influence like a child melting into a parent’s embrace.
The Narcissist’s Secret Pact With Death
Ring around the rosie,
A pocket full of posies.
Ashes! Ashes!
We all fall down!
There’s something about this nursery rhyme which has always fascinated me. Its origins remain unknown, with one long-standing interpretation linking it to the Great Plague of the 17th century.
There is no solid proof of the rhyme’s ‘bubonic’ roots, yet I don’t believe that matters very much. If the symbolism points to something deeper which helps us make sense of difficult truths, then all the better.
In the Plague interpretation, the ‘rosie’ alludes to the colour of the rash caused by the illness, while a ‘pocket of posies’ was what people carried around to ward off the ‘bad smell’ and keep them safe. ‘Ashes’ refers to the burning bodies, and ‘we all fall down’ symbolises the masses dying everywhere.
Needless to say, the Great Plague is long gone. Covid took many of our loved ones from us, yet it had vastly different characteristics to previous pandemics. We may need new nursery rhymes to symbolise our experience of forced vaccinations, haunting isolation with endless binge-watching, and eerily abandoned airports and city streets.
However, there is a context where I feel this nursery rhyme is still apt, and that is when describing a narcissist. So let’s reimagine this classic, and see if we can draw new meaning from it to serve us in the 21st century.
Ring Around The Target
There is something unsettling about ‘Ring Around The Rosie’ being popularly connected to mass death while also being a game played by children.
On the playground, children hold hands and sing the lyrics while moving in a circle, with the climactic collapse coming at the last line. There is a sense of joy to this game, of celebrating the cycle of life, with each game ending in ‘death’, before the inevitable rebirth. In this regard, the meaning is quite beautiful: Death is not the end.
Yet we might also interpret this rhyme as a cautionary tale for narcissists. And rather than death not being the end, what if death was in fact the point?
With this in mind, let us break down the lyrics as follows:
Ring around the rosie: ‘Rosie’ comes from the French word ‘rosier’, which means rose tree. This rose tree offers gorgeous flowers while also having thorns along its stems. We can look at the narcissist’s target as someone with wounds (thorns) who offers something of value to the narcissist (flowers). These flowers represent vibrancy, optimism and energy. They represent life, which the narcissist looks to convert into narcissistic supply. As a result, the narcissist runs metaphorical circles, or ‘rings’ around the target (the rosie), looking to entrap them in their narcissistic realm.
A pocket full of posies: Posies are bouquets which the narcissist offers the target to disarm them. This represents the narcissist’s attentiveness, flattery and charm during the idealisation phase. They offer the target a ‘bouquet’ as a swooning lover might.
Ashes! Ashes!: After the idealisation phase, the devaluation begins. The narcissist syphons their repressed trauma into the target via abuse while extracting narcissistic supply, turning the target’s inner life into ashes.
We all fall down!: This line is self-explanatory. ‘Falling down’ alludes to the target’s life spiralling into depression, destitution and decay.
Yet we need to take a closer look at the word ‘all’ in that last line. Does this not imply that both the target and the narcissist experience a downfall? Doesn’t the narcissist always come out on top?
A Cremated Relationship
There is something ritualistic about a narcissistic relationship. The idealise-devalue-discard cycle seems to repeat over and over, just like in the playground game of ‘Ring A Rosie’. When the narcissist and their target ‘all fall down’ after the discard, the narcissist gathers new ‘posies’, i.e. grandiosity, and seeks out a new ‘rosie’ (target) to circle.
In cases where the relationship lasts decades or a lifetime, the devaluation phase is drawn out indefinitely, as the narcissist’s partner gradually withers into spiritual and emotional ashes. That is, even if the narcissist remains physically in your life, they always emotionally abandon you, leaving the relationship in a perpetual state of decay and mundane routine.
Yet no matter what, discard or not, the result is the same: A howling nothingness.
The Eternal Return
Rituals play an enormous role in human life, even when we have little understanding of their deeper purpose.
‘The Eternal Return’ is an idea proposed by the historian Mircea Eliade to explain the meaning behind the ritualistic behaviours of religious man throughout human history. Eliade argues that by replaying specific behaviours in a particular order, a person can return to a ‘mythical age’. That is, they can go back in time to an event which shaped their existence in a significant way.
Eliade speaks of linear time as being ‘profane’, while ‘sacred’ time is circular, wherein an event infinitely repeats through being acted out again and again. ‘Profane’ time can feel meaningless, such as living in a state of constant boredom where ‘nothing happens’. Sacred time, on the other hand, centres on a specific point where something extraordinary happened.
If we were to lose connection to such ‘uncanny’ or ‘holy’ events, then life would once again lose its meaning, and we would return to the pointless expanse of linear time, where the seconds tick but nothing changes. Sacred time provides a much-needed ‘break’ in linear time, bringing with it radical transformation by a force beyond our usual world. Rituals are how we revisit these significant occurrences, which could have brought utter destruction, or led us towards transcendence and growth.
A Reason To Return
Rituals take us back to a state of chaos, to a time when our world came into being from a state of flux. In such cases, something unexpected and transcendent happened. The Big Bang. The death of Christ. The end of World War II.
The 12 Labours Of A Narcissist
The popular belief is that narcissism has no cure, that even if a narcissist wanted to change, they would fail. Since their pathology developed during their formative years, the narcissist simply has no hope. You cannot teach an old narcissist new tricks, it seems. Once a narcissist, always a narcissist.
And yet, my mind still wanders on occasion. Observing the narcissists in my circles, I imagine what it would take. Sometimes my inner psychopath smirks, and considers dropping an LSD tab or ecstasy pill in a narcissist’s coffee. There’s no way they could remain unchanged after that, surely?
Once I’ve had my chuckle, I return to less criminal thoughts. My neurodivergent mind sharpens again while making unusual connections. I find myself thinking about Hercules, or ‘Heracles’, as the Greeks called him.
Although he’s barely narcissistic, there’s enough in Heracles’ story to make me suspect that his heroic journey could offer a blueprint for a narcissist to heal.
The Labours Of Heracles
In the Greek myth, Heracles was the illegitimate son of Zeus. Zeus’ wife Hera despised her husband’s infidelity, and often took revenge on Zeus’ offspring.
Fast forward to adulthood, and Heracles is happily married with children. He comes home one day, yet doesn’t find his family. Instead, he is met by a pack of beasts. His infamous anger erupts, and he murders the animals, just before Hera’s cunning spell ends. Heracles is horrified to discover that the beasts were in fact his wife and children disguised.
Heracles is overwhelmed with grief and guilt. In ancient Greece, murdering your kin is a great sin. And so Heracles, through a series of events, is forced to undertake ‘ten labours’ as atonement, with each challenge demanding a superhuman effort from our great hero.
The labours of Heracles included slaying a lion, defeating a multi-headed hydra which grew two new heads for each one removed, and even at one point had Heracles holding up the weight of the entire world on his shoulders. Is this what I am demanding from the narcissist to ‘atone’ for their sins?
In a way, yes, I guess I am. Some of the labours I’ll be suggesting might feel as difficult as slaying mighty lions or carrying the weight of the world — at least for a narcissist.
So what would these labours look like? And what effect would they even have? Let’s take a closer look:
First Labour: Be Present
For a moment in time, the narcissist will need to forego their ego. No thinking, no fantasising about how awesome they are, no seducing their prey, no escapism; only pure focus on the present moment.
For this, the narcissist needs to sit upright in silence, alone, and pay attention to a single point with their eyes open. Every time they dissociate, or become lost in their thoughts, they must return their focus to the same point.
What arises from this exercise is a momentary escape from the warmth of the narcissist’s false self, leaving their True Self exposed to reality. In this unprotected, present state, the narcissist’s repressed trauma, shame and grief simmer to the surface, threatening to devour the narcissist whole like a vicious lion.
Can the narcissist withstand this challenge? Even for twenty minutes?
Second Labour: Listen Fully
While speaking to someone, the narcissist must avoid the impulse to interject with an unwanted analysis or braggadocious story of their own. Thinking of their response is not allowed until after the person is done speaking. The narcissist must only listen, and use the gift of presence they earned during their first labour.
This second labour is symbolised by Heracles’ slaughter of the flock of Stymphalian Birds gathered by a lake. The birds represent the narcissist’s busy thoughts, and the lake is a symbol of the unconscious. By shooting their thoughts with the ‘arrow’ of presence, the narcissist clears their unconscious mind, allowing them to listen fully.
Third Labour: Offer Support
This labour involves the narcissist offering help to someone in need — with no expectation of payment or reciprocity, as were the conditions placed on Heracles during his labours (Nobody could pay him or help him).
Most narcissists would feel resentful being of service to someone, as this is the exact opposite of gaining narcissistic supply. Nobody who is ‘superior’ offers help to their ‘inferiors’, making this an especially brutal labour for the narcissist to endure.
Fourth Labour: Invite Criticism
Would someone who is ‘perfect’ in every way ask for constructive criticism? Obviously not. Which is why the narcissist must invite suggestions on ways for them to improve as a human — anything the other person deems worthy of mentioning.
The narcissist must then accept the criticism silently and take inventory, before taking action to improve.
Fifth Labour: Ask For A Lesson
The narcissist knows everything. Duh. Nonetheless, for this labour, they need to ask someone to instruct them, and then pay attention.
There’s one added condition on this labour: It can’t be someone the narcissist deems to be a ‘guru’ or ‘of high stature’. It must be someone the narcissist looks down on.
Sixth Labour: Be Alone
The narcissist must spend time in solitude without anyone giving them attention. They need to put their phone on aeroplane mode, and go somewhere they are anonymous. They can even go into nature.
Whatever they decide to do, the narcissist must be alone, without any source of narcissistic supply. No adulation, attention or affirmation. Nothing. Just them and their own company, in a state of isolation and presence with their thoughts and emotions.
This labour is much like Heracles’ pursuit of Poseidon’s Cretan Bull, who was rampaging through the island of Crete. A narcissist often can’t contain their recklessness, with their grandiosity pulling them in all directions.
The Spouse In A Narcissistic Family
The narcissist’s spouse is their sidekick and most loyal ally, carrying out the narcissist’s menial tasks while helping put on a happy front for the family. The spouse reassures the narcissist of their grandiosity by always remaining at their side, or more accurately, orbiting them. As long as the narcissist knows that their spouse is at their whim, they feel reassured.
Yet the narcissist’s fear of losing control is never far away.
For this reason, the narcissist is careful to isolate their spouse from the outside world through psychological manipulation. Without an external support network, the spouse’s emotional needs remain unmet. This puts the spouse in a tough position; running on empty while caught between their children’s needs and the narcissist’s insatiable hunger for supply and control.
The questions which may arise to an outside observer are: How did they end up in this situation? Why do they put up with it? And above all: How do they find the strength to endure such overwhelming torture?
A Tragic Exile
The narcissist’s spouse possesses something in their core which acts as both their superpower and eternal prison: An inherent sense of badness; of being irredeemably flawed and unworthy of love and respect.
What Narcissists And Greek Tragedy Have In Common
In Greek Mythology, ‘Narcissus’ was a man of exceptional beauty and arrogance, who spurned all admirers, before falling in love with his reflection in a lake, and seeking to embrace ‘himself’, fell in and drowned.
There are numerous versions of this story, with Ovid’s ‘Narcissus and Echo’ being the most popular. Ovid described Echo, a nymph who was unable to speak, except to repeat the last words spoken by someone else. One day, Echo spotted Narcissus hunting and fell in love with him. Eventually, Narcissus grew frustrated with Echo’s constant repeating of his words, and told her to get lost. This left Echo heartbroken and withered.
The myth of Narcissus has particular relevance to today’s discourse on narcissism. For one, we see somebody who accepts admiration from others, yet never their love. This captures the narcissist’s sado-masochistic approach to relationships, sabotaging themselves and others at every turn, proving to be a hard lesson for all who love the narcissist.
Echo, for her part, represents the codependent who admires the Narcissist in the wilderness, using their false self to ‘hunt after’ narcissistic supply. Echo mirrors the narcissist’s grandiosity back to them, hoping to be loved and accepted by the narcissist in turn. Many ‘Echoes’ are left hurt, traumatised and ‘withered’ after their ordeal with a narcissist.
Now that narcissists have taken over our public discourse, the tale of Narcissus is not only relevant, it is evolving. Like the Olympian Zeus, the narcissist is now not only considered arrogant, but seemingly all-powerful and all-cunning. Ask anyone online, and they will declare the narcissist to be the destroyer of worlds, the harbinger of suffering, and the villain of dreams.
There is nothing the narcissist can’t do, no limit to their evil ways. Much like the intrigue we find throughout Greek mythology, Narcissus has outgrown his humble beginnings through his manipulation, deception and abusive nature, coming of age as Zeus’ direct challenger. And with that, has also revived the fascination for Greek tragedy in the form of modern psychology.
The Evolution Of Narcissus
While the original Narcissus myth captures a narcissist’s core rather well, our emerging, 21st-century ‘myths’ about narcissists are filling in the gaps.
In the last few decades, the seed of the Narcissus myth from history has blossomed, while modern tales about him have coalesced to rival even Ovid’s ‘Narcissus and Echo’. Narcissus no longer simply spurns lovers; he love bombs them first, before cruelly devaluing and discarding them. Narcissus’ reflection not only deceives Narcissus himself, it also fools others through gaslighting and projective identification. Narcissus now triangulates current and past lovers to incite jealousy, weaves an elaborate fantasy world tailor-made for their ‘Echo’, and tortures and shames Echo in a multitude of ways.
Even Echo is receiving a makeover today. No longer does she wither away and die, having lost her sense of Self and authentic voice. The Echo of this new version of the myth responds by undergoing a heroic journey of self-discovery as she recovers from the abuse. She withdraws her love and emotions from Narcissus to starve him of his supply. She goes no contact where necessary, and seeks to come into contact with her authentic voice within. Courage and truth set Echo free from her tragic fate, and elevate her to exalted status in Mount Olympus.
Alas, a happy ending does not come so easily, however. No matter what we seem to do, narcissists are persistent beings. They shapeshift, able to bypass our awareness and wit. Perhaps the next phase of this evolving myth will reveal Narcissus not as a singular, evil entity, but a multi-headed dragon, or a glimmering, always-changing kaleidoscope we need to remain on the lookout for.
The Elusive Narcissist
‘Proteus’ is a sea god in Greek Mythology, also referred to as the god of ‘elusive sea change’, who could change into any form. Proteus knew everything, including the future, yet shared his gift with nobody — unless they captured him first. To evade those looking to apprehend him, Proteus would assume any necessary shape, such as a lion, a tree or a serpent. Once trapped, however, Proteus would change back to his real form and tell all to his captor.
The Narcissistic Women Who Fetishize Flawed Men
In the jungle that is the dating scene, there is an odd couple which I often observe, and which has recently been on my mind: The strikingly-beautiful woman and the awkward-looking guy.
To the naked eye, it appears that the man is ‘punching above his weight’, which may be sufficient enough for most people.
Yet my eye is far from naked. I look upon such couples through the thick lens of hard-earned experience, as well as a deep understanding of personality disorders. What I therefore see, is not one narcissist, but two — with a unique twist. One looks, talks and acts like a narcissist, yet is not, while the other seems nothing like a narcissist, yet actually is.
That’s right, we have in this couple a wolf in sheep’s clothing, dating a sheep in wolf’s clothing — and both of them are fooling each other.
The Vixen And Her ‘Man’
What strikes me about the women in such relationships is not just their beauty. They tend to also have impeccable posture, effortless body movement, and an ice-cold demeanour. They usually have a chic outfit on with flawless makeup. Every facet of their appearance looks to have been carefully considered. They never make a sudden movement, betray their emotions, or show any trace of insecurity. They remain calm and collected at all times. Eerily calm. They hold an exceptionally strong frame, and in many cases, incorporate masculine fashion pieces into their style. Trousers. A suit jacket. Something to send the message that you are not dealing with a ‘girly’ girl.
Even with their cold demeanour, they still manage to ooze sex appeal. Yet not the intoxicating, outflowing kind, but rather the contained, held-in-a cage kind. You can see it, but are unable to feel or access it. This vixen of a woman is like a model in a magazine. She is alluring, seductive and out-of-this-world beautiful with a glossy coating. Yet that is all she remains. You can only look.
Then I turn my attention to her boyfriend, and I grow unsettled at my first thought: It feels like I’m looking at a mother with her young son.
Punching Above His Weight
In comparison to his symmetrical, flawless vixen, something seems off with this guy. He might be wearing mismatched clothes with mismatched colours. Where his girlfriend has a carefully-selected outfit and accessories, he seems to have tossed anything on. In other cases, he also has on a stylish outfit, yet seems to carry it awkwardly, as though he had not chosen it. Funnily enough, it looks similar to hers.
Her perfect face is straight out of a magazine, showing no signs of wear. His wrinkled face looks tired and disproportionate. His eyes seem sad, and his demeanour broadcasts that he’s not sure of himself. His body might be gangly and skinny like a boy’s, and his mouth turned down into a frown. His vixen looks unimpressed while occasionally giving the odd smirk. He appears insecure and unsure of himself. Most telling of all: He dawdles behind his striding girlfriend, who always takes the front position when they walk. It’s almost as though she has him on a leash.
Judging by appearance alone, it makes no sense. What is she doing with him?the uninitiated person might ask. To answer that question, we need to move beyond the outer form of this odd couple, and delve into their psychology.
Alpha/Beta Ping Pong
The clue to the vixen’s psychology lies in her eyes. They tend to be sharp and glittery, while seething with an almost imperceptible rage.
Such women usually come from matriarchal homes with weak or absent fathers. Their mothers were often equally striking when they were young, with an equally-striking vicious streak. That is, once you get to know them, and touch upon their triggers, that calm, chilly demeanour quickly turns to fire. Their sudden bite proves poisonous.
Over time, a picture emerges. The vixen has a history of dating highly-masculine or successful men — as well as their weaker opposite. The vixen claims to yearn for a man capable of handling her intensity, but seems to run into inevitable conflicts with such men. After all, alpha men tend to do what alphas do: They set boundaries and put her in her place. This is too much for her to handle, and she grows furious and leaves.
While licking her wounds, she decides to go for someone ‘safer’. She meets this awkward guy who is somehow also fascinating and handsome — in his own way. He brings intrigue to the table. Perhaps he’s an artist or runs a successful business. His lifestyle and sexual tastes are unusual. He is justappealing enough to draw the vixen’s interest. And best of all, he doesn’t have the abruptness and boundaries of those asshole alphas.
Unlike those guys, this man is enraptured with the vixen. He sees and treats her like the queen she knows she is. He also seems to go along with whatever she suggests. He’s receptive and empathic to her emotions. She feels safe with him, enough to share her hopes and dreams about the future. Oddly enough, he wants the same things.
But she’s no silly girl. Her brain is ticking, analysing everything about him. While he seems to have some semblance of a normal life, a deeper look shows that he’s a bit of a loner. He does have friends and hobbies, but they prove to be surface-level. Nothing he can’t be convinced to toss aside.
The vixen and her new man go on numerous dates, which involve deep sharing of their past relationships and childhood traumas. Nothing is taboo. Their sex life, their heartbreaks, their deepest desires. The guy reveals that he has a troubled relationship with his family. He has an especially wounded relationship with his mother. That’s good, says an unconscious voice in her head. That makes him malleable. He can be flexible to her designs.
He has a darkness about him, a sense of woundedness. The vixen knows that his sheen of confidence is paper thin, covering his fickle self-esteem. It’s written all over his face. She senses that she can easily control and manipulate him.
The vixen believes she has met the perfect guy; the ideal blend between her dream man and a ‘safe’ guy who can be controlled. The ultimate compromise. If she can’t have the alphas wrapped around her fingers, she will have this guy instead. Her trap is set.
What she doesn’t know, however, is that she is walking into a trap. It is not only her new man’s confidence which is fake. In fact, their entire relationship is a fantasy, custom-made just for her. She is about to get attached to a covert narcissist. A man with an emptiness where a heart should be, hidden by a personality fuelled by grandiose projections.
As for the covert narcissist, he too is walking into a trap. Date by date, kiss after kiss, one love-making session after the other, a spider’s web is being woven around him by a psychopathic borderline.
Mrs. ‘I Will Fix Him’
At their core, vixens are borderlines — they are drowning in overwhelming emotion while dreaming of finding a man to be their rock. However, they also have the ‘gift’ of a narcissistic false self. To top it off, they are endowed with the calculating, vicious mind of a psychopath. Yet they are neither narcissist nor psychopath; they merely possess their traits on top of their borderline pathology.
The Lost Child In A Narcissistic Family
Uniqueness, spontaneity and agency hold no value in a narcissistic family. Instead, everyone is reduced solely to a role that serves the narcissistic parent’s grandiose false self.
The spouse acts as a central pillar to legitimise the narcissist’s grandiosity. The spouse also stands in as an emotional sponge which protects the narcissist from having to be vulnerable with the children. The spouse generally puts out fires and plays the peacekeeper in the home.
The golden child becomes an expression of the ‘light’ side of the narcissist’s grandiosity. They are the narcissist’s protégé; the one who the narcissist pins their hopes and dreams on.
As for the ‘dark’ side of the narcissist’s grandiosity, frustration and negative emotions need to be syphoned off to maintain the integrity of the false self. After all, a ‘superior’ and ‘special’ person cannot have flaws. For this, the scapegoat of the family acts as an outlet. The narcissist shames the scapegoat, humiliates them, rages at them and blames them for everything that goes wrong. Where the golden child can do no wrong, the scapegoat can do no right.
Finally, the divine child is the narcissist’s mascot, playing a ceremonial role to give the family a positive brand in public.
The only person who lacks a defined role, is the lost child. Their sole task is to keep quiet, and never rock the boat.
Access Denied
The lost child is usually a middle sibling, or in some cases, can be the youngest. Once the narcissist has separated two of the children into ‘perfect’ and ‘disgusting’, i.e., into ‘good’ and ‘bad’, then they stop caring about the rest.
This is the simplest way to look at it. There are exceptions, of course.
Some families have two narcissistic parents, and the children can be split into two camps, depending on birth order and gender. The divine child can also be an exception. Much like the golden child, the divine child can do no wrong. Yet what separates them is that, unlike the golden child, nothing is expected of the divine child. The golden child is supposed to live up to the narcissistic parent’s demands — to become competent, special and powerful according to their parent’s vision. The divine child, on the other hand, is ‘the baby’, and adored simply for being the baby. You can think of the golden child as the narcissist’s ideal version of themselves, and the divine child as the child the parent could have ideally been before their narcissistic wound emerged. Both are projections.
In some narcissistic families, a child is designated as a surrogate parent and told to look after their younger siblings. In this case, the surrogate parent is given a position of importance that has nothing to do with the narcissist’s grandiosity. They simply play a functional role which frees the narcissist from the pressures of their parenting role.
How Narcissists Hijack The Authority
A symptom of narcissistic abuse which acts under the radar is the chronic feeling of walking on eggshells — of questioning every tiny action you make. Whether you decide to brush your hair a different way or are stacking dishes, you seem to have this pervasive anxiety that you are doing things wrong. On top of that, you have an unshakeable urge to look to an external authority to tell you the ‘right’ way to act, to live life, even the right way to be yourself.
Targets of narcissistic abuse are like fish swimming in the waters of incompetence and inferiority. They rarely question this state of mind, experiencing it as a core aspect of who they are. It is as though they were born that way.
In truth, this mindset is the outcome of a systematic psychological assault — by someone who must hold superiority at all times. Not only will the narcissist refuse to share the authority over your relationship, they insist on becoming the authority over you.
Using three steps, narcissists corrode their target’s self-esteem, willpower and agency; reducing the target to being a passenger in their own life.
The narcissist achieves this as follows:
1. They Turn On The Spotlight
The narcissist is always watching. You feel the heat of their judging stare on you at all times. Their probing questions and comments can come at any moment:
“Why are you doing it that way?”
“Do you have to do that now?”
“Are you sure that’s how it’s done?”
“I’ve got a better way of doing that.”
“Did you do _______ first?”
“I told you not to do that.”
The narcissist constantly puts you under the microscope, until you are forced to question yourself before every step. The narcissist’s aim is to assault your critical thinking before replacing it with their voice.
Developing agency in your life is a process of trial and error. While someone may be able to pre-empt missteps and help you correct course early, there is enormous value in learning from your mistakes. Furthermore, we all have a creative drive within us which is stunted when others interject in our work on a problem or task. Having agency means feeling ownership over your willpower, and gaining the confidence to guide it with your inner good sense and wisdom. Self-actualisation demands that we have the space and freedom to ‘mess up’.
The narcissist’s true aim when they shine a spotlight on you is not to help you grow; it is about maintaing control. The narcissist requires an iron grip over the relationship, and what better way to achieve it than to reduce you to a child-like state?
By hobbling your sense of agency and crushing your willpower, the narcissist makes you less likely to develop the personal power to stand up to them. If left unchecked, the searing heat of the narcissist’s spotlight weighs down your confidence with shame, leaving you paralysed and unable to develop momentum in your life.
The Courage And Narcissism Of Digital Nomads
Every year, I split my days between the Northern and Southern Hemispheres, enjoying time with friends and family in reasonably stable and familiar environments.
Recently, however, I’ve been immersing myself in nomad life in Southeast Asia, spending long periods in selected cities, using the ‘new mind’ that unfamiliar places give me to feed my creativity. And with that, I’ve found myself at the epicentre of the digital nomad scene, with my current location being the splendid beachside city of Da Nang, Vietnam.
To the Vietnamese, Da Nang is a big, bustling city. The digital nomads, on the other hand, may as well be living in a small village. The majority of them are packed into a small square in the district of My An, which provides access to cafes, co-working spaces and of course, the beach. Much like a village, if you stay an extended period here, you tend to come across the same people. Conversations often spark up in the flow, and you get to make friends rather easily.
Each person has a unique personality and story — why they came to Da Nang, how they spend their time, how they make money, their passions, their hobbies, their spiritual practice, their baggage. Yet over time, common patterns start to show, and a fascinating story about digital nomads emerges.
A Special Breed
I know many individuals who have lived in the same suburb or village for decades on end, see the same people each day, and have a routine that rarely changes year to year. In the hierarchy of needs, stability seems to be at the very top for them.
Nomads are a different breed. While the homebody craves stability, the nomad craves experience and novelty. Where they live, who they know and how they spend their time changes and evolves continuously. Home is not where their heart is, it’s where their laptop is. They have an itch which they can only scratch by travelling to the next exotic place, or, if they stay put for a longer period, by going to the next cool event. Meetups, bars, nightclubs, sports activities or road trips, there’s always something to do. And when it gets boring? Someone has probably already recommended the next place and captured the nomad’s imagination.
Why God Is Not Enough For A Narcissist
A while back I was exploring Greek mythology, and while reading the story of Hephaestus and Aphrodite, I was forced to do a double take. I know this story, I told myself. But how? I had never read it before. It took me a moment, but then it hit me: It was the story of a relationship between a covert/vulnerable narcissist and a borderline.
Now buckle up. The story goes:
Hephaestus was born to Hera, queen and wife of Zeus, who after discovering her son was deformed and had a lame walk, tossed him off Mount Olympus in disgust. Hephaestus fell for an entire day before landing in the ocean, and would have died had he not been saved by Thetis, the mother of Achilles.
Hephaestus then grew up on the island of Lemnos, where he was taught to become a master craftsman by the people of the island. There he set up a workshop under a volcano, and used various metals to craft stunning jewellery and clever contraptions.
Soon, he became known to all the gods on Mount Olympus for his skill in making weapons, jewellery and armour. He created gifts for all the gods, including the shield of Achilles, Athena’s spear, and Hercules’ breastplate.
Upon hearing of Hephaestus’ genius, Hera asked for him back. Still furious at being abandoned by her, Hephaestus replied: “I have no mother”. Knowing that Hera only wanted him back so he could create at her behest, Hephaestus built a particular golden throne and had it sent to her. Upon her sitting on it, golden ropes and chains flew out and trapped Hera onto her throne.
Narcissism Is Mutating
During the 21st Century, we are discovering as a collective the depth and breadth of narcissism in our world. We now find traces of it in our relationships, our friendships, our workplaces, even our families.
The ‘superficial, self-absorbed’ definition of the disorder has proven to be only the tip of the iceberg. Beneath the surface, an entire microcosm of dysfunctional behaviour has been revealed. Borderline, histrionic, psychopathy, codependency, paranoia and more have proven to be intrinsically linked to narcissism.
From Epidemic And Beyond
Narcissism is not a new phenomenon. It is a design feature of humanity, not an aberration. What is new is our understanding of its deeper dynamics. Another 21st-century aspect of narcissism is that it is mutating, having been given immense space to spread in a modern, globalised social environment.
Earlier, narcissism was endemic to the tribe or family, where a particular patriarch or matriarch held the dominant position in the hierarchy. When tragedy struck in the form of invasion, conflict, natural disaster or famine, the tribe became traumatised. To compensate for a collapse of the True Self, members of the tribe developed personality disorders such as borderline, psychopathy and narcissism. Authenticity and empathy were lost, while ego and manipulation reigned.
How Environment Shapes The Narcissist
For a narcissist to flourish, they need two simple ingredients: A willing sacrifice, and weak boundaries. Yet how the narcissist operates in the world depends enormously on the environment they choose to inhabit.
Narcissistic supply can take many shapes. Sex. Money. Attention. Adulation. Acknowledgement. Compliments. Service. Submission. As the narcissist navigates their community and the greater world, they learn to utilise what is available while appearing to conform to the rules and norms of their environment.
This can take the following forms:
The Schoolyard Narcissist
Narcissists first flex their grandiosity muscle in friendship groups. They begin by spotting someone at school or work whose body language betrays their low self-esteem. The narcissist then showers the target with attention and begins their charm offensive. Any person with low self-esteem who lacks meaningful relationships will grow giddy and feel flattered by such ‘good fortune’.
Can Psychedelics Heal A Narcissist?
When it comes to Cluster B personality disorders, DBT therapy is known as an effective treatment for borderline personality disorder. Furthermore, as the borderline ages, their dysregulation and other symptoms tend to reduce, often leading to a somewhat more stable second half of life.
The narcissist, on the other hand, tends to repeat the same idealise-devalue-discard cycle over and over, as they spiral toward worsening symptoms as they age. Most narcissists end life in a schizoid state, having either lost their power to garner narcissistic supply, or having grown cynical as they detach from society and sink into a paranoid life of isolation and emptiness while dreaming of their heyday.
For narcissists staring down the barrel of such a future, or for loved ones of narcissists who simply wish to see the narcissist change for the better, a question of possible treatments will always arise. The popular understanding is that there is no cure for narcissistic personality disorder besides surface-level behavioural changes. As the narcissist loses their looks and power in old age, their best-case scenario may be to begrudgingly alter their behaviour to try to keep certain people in their life.
But is there hope for change to be more than just superficial? Are there more potent treatments for narcissism than just talk therapy and wishful thinking?
The Wild Universe Of Psychedelics
Borderlines tend to have the potential for positive growth because their trauma came later in life, and so their True Self had the chance to develop. While borderlines are flooded by emotions to the point of insanity, their advantage over narcissists is that they at least have emotions to work with.
If your trousers are too short, you cannot make them longer. But if they are too long, you can trim them down to size. So it is with borderlines and narcissists. Borderlines can learn to regulate and manage their emotions. Narcissists, on the other hand, have little to work with even if they wanted to change. Their trauma came much earlier in life, resulting in a complete break with the True Self, leaving them with very little development. The narcissist therefore lacks the depth to develop satisfying authentic relationships. Their True Self is a barren wasteland.
Regular therapy and time do not resuscitate a neglected True Self. However, while the research into psychedelics is limited at this stage due to their legal status, the world is waking up to their potential to awaken dormant elements of the soul via other-worldly states of consciousness.
With psychedelics, anything seems to be possible. Dormant memories become accessible not only from current life, but from past lives via ancestral DNA. Psychedelics can also bring intergenerational pain and trauma to the surface to be processed and released. States of peace, love, power and wonder can be aroused in ways that the mind cannot fathom. Psychedelics do not only promise another world of therapy, but an entire universe.
Three types of psychedelics especially hold immense therapeutic potential:
1. MDMA
MDMA works by increasing the activity of serotonin in the brain. It induces feelings of love, joy and peace, and elevates the senses beyond measure.
How Narcissistic Abuse Impacts Your Dreams
Narcissistic abuse affects both the conscious and unconscious mind. It acts on you by breaking down your conscious reality in its current form and rewriting it according to the narcissist’s grandiose desires and needs. Your new conscious reality involves being in a position of perceived inferiority, an amping up of your fight/flight circuit, the isolation of you from your family and friends, and above all; constant, unrelenting psychological attacks.
Whether the narcissist is love bombing you, judging you, ridiculing you,gaslighting you, exposing you to incessant monologues or pressuring you into behaving how they want; their assault is unrelenting and suffocating.
Do Narcissists Recognise Other Narcissists?
A narcissist is constantly analysing the people they meet for signs of insecurity, people-pleasing tendencies, malleability, cooperation, and most of all; signs that they wear their shame on their sleeve.
A person who personifies shame, whether in a wholehearted, healthy way or in a toxic way, is open to being influenced. They cooperate with and respond to external cues and don’t mind sharing power.
When a narcissist meets another narcissist, they immediately see red. A narcissist doesn’t exhibit the above qualities. You can usually spot two narcissists in a social group when they sit on opposite sides of a table and coolly stare each other down, or begin battling it out for supremacy by trying to win allies or ‘win’ the conversation.
Can Narcissism Be Healed?
Healing complex trauma is a difficult endeavour fraught with challenges, as the damage done is woven into thousands of experiences while being lodged deep into the person’s being from a young age. It can feel like trying to untangle a thousand-foot string that has been rolling in a washing machine for decades.
As narcissism is a post-traumatic condition, we can ask the same question: Can it be healed? The short answer, as most already know, is no. The long answer, however, reveals more nuance and possibility.
The first thing to consider is: Do you exhibit covert or overt narcissism? This is crucial to know, because the road to healing will vary depending on the kind of narcissism you have.
Overt Narcissism
The overt narcissist will have the most difficulty healing their narcissism because they are addicted to the high. They have a firm belief in their specialness, and a lifetime reinforcement of narcissistic supply, both of which are extremely difficult to let go of. Why be normal when you can be powerful?
Overt narcissists usually function within a social hierarchy that reinforces their narcissism. Think of the spiritual leader, or the golden child of the family. There are external forces at play reinforcing their specialness. Narcissistic parents can always sharpen their skills on their children, and feel a sense of superiority by the mere fact that they created the child. Children are also conditioned to see their parents as special and more powerful than them. This dynamic can be intoxicating to the parent.
Golden children also have their parent’s reinforcement in turn. Together, the narcissistic parent and golden child reinforce each other’s narcissism. Even lone wolves tend to have a steady supply of unsuspecting targets to draw from. As long as the stream of narcissistic supply can be maintained, why stop?
Let’s say that the overt narcissist runs out of supply, or falls out of their position in their hierarchy of dominance. What then? Awaiting them is the karma of a lifetime of denying their True Self. Toxic shame, anger, panic and emptiness await them. Will they go through the dark night of the soul, undergo treacherous suffering and transformation, so they can come out on the other side… normal?
Yes, healing from narcissism leads to nothing special. That is the whole point. You are not special because you have decided in your mind. You are a living, breathing human being tasked with actualising and contributing your gifts to the world. Being real brings real rewards, but it also brings challenges and accountability. There is no magical escape. For that, you need cooperation and humility. Empathy. Patience. Power sharing. Responsibility. Being a healthy human being is hard, and it is uncomfortable.
But what about the other side of the coin?
Covert/Vulnerable Narcissism
The covert narcissist has a different challenge. Where the overt narcissist has consistent reinforcement from the outside, the covert narcissist has nothing. By all measures, they seem to be normal. Flat even. There is nothing special about them to the eye. Yet their ‘specialness’ lies out of sight. In the recesses of their inner shadow, lurking, looking to exert itself when the ‘time is ripe’.
What Healthy Narcissism Looks Like
We all seek a life without regret, which is built on two pillars:
Entitlement: We all have needs. Unless we speak up for what we want and expect outside support to come, we will suffer greatly as our needs go unmet.
Audacity: We all have dreams. To feel like we are going nowhere and that our fortunes will never improve makes life unbearable. We inherently seek transcendence and evolution. We need to express our creativity, ambition and courage in chasing our grand visions.
Audacity and entitlement; these are the two components of healthy narcissism.
Yet what separates healthy narcissism from the unhealthy kind? No sane person likes an entitled brat who steps all over others, and almost nobody likes someone who thinks they are ‘all that’ and who uses others for their own gain.
What anchors and informs healthy narcissism are two things which unhealthy narcissism is missing: shame and reality testing.
Shame: One For All, All For One
Healthy humans feel shame when they disappoint someone they love, or when they fail to live up to expectations, or when they judge themselves to be ‘less than’ or ‘inferior to’ someone else.
At its worst, shame is that burning sense of being a bad person who must hide in a dark hole, of being defective and unworthy of love. Unhealthy shame is often turned against us by abusers, and forces us to ‘stay in our lane’. This lane quickly becomes an oppressive box which kills our dreams and tells us we are illegitimate and unworthy of having our needs met.
The Phantom Lurking Behind Narcissistic Abuse
The show begins.
A permanent smile that makes your cheeks sore. An endlessly positive conversation flow. Forced laughter. It is a majestic tip-toeing around a cunning presence lurking in the shadow of your unconscious. This presence hides behind a facade, pulling strings and snatching control from you with jolts of fear, guilt and shame to bring you back into line. It sabotages you whenever you resist it, driven by a hidden agenda; acceptance.
The phantom does what it must to get its agenda met — regardless of the price. Your boundaries. Your integrity. Your self-esteem. Your resources. They are all up for grabs, as long as people accept you. A narcissist sees this and swoops in.
Narcissism Is A Drug
Metaphorically speaking, narcissism is like blowing up a balloon. The balloon in this metaphor represents the narcissistic false self, and the helium is narcissistic supply. When somebody has your attention, they receive helium for their balloon. When somebody can control your reaction, they also get helium for their balloon to stay inflated. Giving somebody your cooperation can also inflate their balloon. Being affirmed for your talents or appearance is helium for your narcissistic balloon. These acts all reinforce a person’s narcissistic false self.
In a world where power is the tip of the spear, where power is the means to getting our wants and needs met, narcissism is a necessary dynamic in our lives. This is healthy narcissism, where we offer each other metaphorical helium, trading it amongst each other like a valuable commodity. When our balloons are inflated, we feel empowered and capable. The dopamine hit can be irresistible, making us want more. More power means more capacity in the same way that more helium means a bigger balloon. The problem comes when the experience of the inflated balloon takes over our reality.