A World Beyond Narcissism
Premium articles on narcissism and other cluster B types. Find freedom and personal power through knowledge of psychology and the practice of spirituality.
The Histrionic’s Insatiable Hunger For Desire
Oh, to be wanted. Desired. Magnetic. To be irresistible. Who would say no to that?
The woman who has been wolf whistled for the third time that morning may object, perhaps. But for the histrionic, no is never an option — they want to be desired by everyone, at all times.
Narcissist In Disguise?
The histrionic craves attention, and will do almost anything to get it. If they are not the centre of attention, they grow distressed and insecure. This trait overlaps with narcissism, and therefore a histrionic could easily be mistaken for a narcissist. Yet the histrionic pathology goes further, and is organised around a different core wound to the narcissist.
A histrionic is typically highly seductive. They use their body, their charm and their sexuality to draw in a person’s attention. They act sexually, or bring up sex in contexts where it is inappropriate. The histrionic might also be dramatic, lively and over the top. They are the person who, with their potent energy, snatches the group’s attention and aims to keep it. The histrionic may also be obsessed with their health and appearance, always seeking out the newest trend or health fad to stay ahead of the curve.
The histrionic is like a peacock, putting on an elaborate show to draw in unsuspecting admirers. However, we should not be so easily dazzled by this captivating figure. We need to move beyond the show, and delve deeper to truly understand what makes the histrionic tick.
At their core, the histrionic and the narcissist differ in what they seek and why they seek it.
The narcissist wants one thing: narcissistic supply. Sex, affirmation, adulation, services and resources are intended for one purpose: to confirm the narcissist’s grandiosity, and cement their position as the most special person that ever existed.
Dating A Bunny Rabbit: The Age Of The Histrionic
Modern dating is rough. From getting caught in the dopamine trap of dating apps, to competing with thousands of people sliding into your potential lover’s DMs on social media, there is a lot of reason to despair.
With dating apps, people are reduced to being a sexual ‘offering’ among an endless stack of options. As a result, objectification is rampant. Women especially can have hundreds of matches. With unlimited choice, commitment becomes the least desirable option of all.
Narcissism is the 21st century’s new religion. Rather than collectively worshipping one God, or even paganistically worshipping a limited collection of gods, our society is set up for us to worship each other. Social media has created a scramble for narcissistic supremacy, with everyone encouraged to flout their ‘specialness’ by proving how well travelled, financially endowed and adored they are. Perhaps over time, narcissistic power will consolidate into a select pantheon of new pagan gods, with figures like Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump earning their spot. Yet for now, the narcissism epidemic is spreading, and the scramble is on for supremacy.
Less spoken about, is the histrionic epidemic which is emerging in this fast-changing landscape, fuelled by dating apps as well as social media apps such as Instagram. Flooded by endless options of potential lovers, a person no longer sees falling in love as worthwhile. Rather, they fall in love with the idea of themselves, i.e. their narcissistic self, and they also fall in love with the state of being desired.
Finding love leads to vulnerability, accountability, responsibility, and of course, potential heartbreak. When things get frustrating in a fledgling relationship, the mind tends to wander. Even if a person does not actively have a dating app profile, they may still receive private messages online. As the initial shine of their relationship fades and disappointment sets in, the dopamine hit of a new person paying them attention becomes more enticing. This leads many people to cheat, unable to resist the allure of a brand-new, adoring lover.
In other cases, a person may be driven to end the relationship, reassured by the endless options they imagine await them when they are newly single. They set up a dating app profile, and begin to post on their social media more often, flexing their narcissistic self with new outfits, travel shots and photos of them at social gatherings. Eventually, the curious admirers flood in, and the heartache of past relationships fades away.
Why Borderlines Have Terrible Memory
Borderlines and narcissists are two sides of the same coin, and that coin is made up of complex trauma.
‘Complex post-traumatic stress disorder’, or C-PTSD for short, results in a variety of negative symptoms which affect a person’s capacity to remain present and calm in the world. In the case of the narcissist, their grandiose false self shields them greatly from this inner storm.
Borderlines are not so lucky. They suffer the full brunt of complex trauma,which manifests in the following ways:
Emotional flashbacks: The traumatised child is submerged by a constant torrent of negative emotions. A flood of shame, guilt, fear, anger, sadness, despair, self-hatred and more always lurks beneath the surface,controlled by a hairline trigger. These emotional flashbacks are a core feature of C-PTSD. When activated, they take the traumatised person back in time. The person shrinks in stature, regressing to their childhood self. They become uncertain, highly sensitive to stress, easily angered, or mute and unable to assert themselves. They might grow shameful and hide away from the world. They could become numb and have a hard time focusing or engaging others. Emotional flashbacks are so insidious that it can be incredibly difficult to know you are in one. You simply start to feel, think, look and react differently, and usually only become aware long after the fact.
Dissociation: For the traumatised child, reality is often an incomprehensible nightmare. As the pressure builds, the child splits away from reality and drifts into their imagination. In this other-worldly realm, the child can escape their pain while fantasising about a ‘better’ life. Dissociation provides relief, and is a way to numb the chaos emanating from the child’s core. The price the child pays for this coping strategy, however, is high. The child develops poor memory and even amnesia, being unable to recall aspects of their day or even their entire childhood. The dissociated child often cannot identify the nuances in their surroundings. They remain naive to the happenings in the world, and as a result experience immense disruption in their development.
Difficulty focussing: Trauma and emotional dysregulation are incredibly distracting. This naturally results in an inability to focus, since the traumatised child is constantly plagued by the chaos and discomfort within. Trauma also impacts brain development, and is a major contributor to ADHD.
Impulsiveness: Never truly in control of their emotions, the traumatised person may engage in risk-taking behaviour such as unsafe sex, illegal drug use, gambling, over-eating, reckless driving or overspending and materialism in order to regulate how they feel. The traumatised person is also prone to addiction.
Constant anxiety: C-PTSD permanently activates the fight/flight response, and the resulting anxiety is crippling. The traumatised person has a need to always be doing something or working toward something in the future. They can engage in incessant thinking and compulsive talking to distract themselves from their feelings. They might have a hard time falling asleep, with anxiety corroding their capacity to relax. Those carrying trauma also carry a constant sense of impending doom. They catastrophize often in their minds, being bombarded by ‘what if’ thinking.
Extreme splitting: The traumatised child sees the world in black and white. People are either a threat, or a source of fantastic pleasure. The world is wonderful and abundant, or horrible and terrifying. There is no in-between, no nuance in the child’s reality.
With such chaos swirling within the borderline, you can see how they might struggle to function day to day, let alone remember what happened.
Can You Be A Narcissist And Have Borderline Personality?
When grandiosity splits from reality and becomes pathological, then a narcissist is made. Yet grandiosity is inherent in every person.
We all need to have a basic level of entitlement for having our needs met, and even to go as far as having the audacity to dream big. But we need to respect the rights of others, and we need to pursue our dreams realistically. This is healthy narcissism.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a post-traumatic condition rooted in C-PTSD. However, borderline is also rooted in C-PTSD. What’s fascinating about narcissism is that it solves many of the symptoms of BPD. Emotional dysregulation, acting out, suicidal ideation, push/pull, fear of abandonment; narcissism greatly reduces these symptoms through a singular solution: the false self.
How A Borderline Tortures A Narcissist
The borderline and the narcissist go together like a river and water. Firstly, the narcissist has an empty core, and is always seeking narcissistic supply. This can come in the form of sex, attention, favours, adulation or just outright energy.
The borderline is infantile and gushing with energy. Too much of it. The borderline is so overwhelmed by emotions, they seek out people to help them regulate their inner state. The borderline also has black-and-white thinking; quick to idolise people, but also quick to demonise them. The borderline also knows how to play the innocent, helpless victim, because they know that gains them support.
In comes the narcissist, dreaming of being important in the world. The borderline provides the ideal, pre-packaged solution in one person. The borderline has been used and abused by ex-friends and ex-lovers. The borderline is helpless in the face of their emotional dysregulation. They need an anchor, a rock to hold them together in the wild storm of their internal chaos.
Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder
The term ‘borderline’ describes a person on the ‘border’ of psychosis; between control and chaos, capable of falling head-first into panic, fury or depression at any time.
The Root Cause Of Borderline Personality Disorder
The trauma which causes borderline personality disorder is as complex as its name: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD for short. A person with borderline personality is often a child of divorce, with the tension between the parents creating an environment full of hostility, chaos, uncertainty and terror. In many cases, one or both parents have their own personality disorder. Mothers who are narcissistic or borderline themselves often create borderline children.
Such environments are unpredictable, and the child is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. The chaotic parents offer little container within which to feel safe. If the parents are divorced or separated, the child is usually forced between homes. The parents’ moods are often unstable and terrifying to the child, especially when the parent is a borderline or a narcissist. As a result, the child is flooded by negative emotions, unable to regulate how they feel. Their sense of Self shatters, and the child loses continuity in their identity.
The Borderline Mindset
Plagued by Complex-PTSD and lacking a stable role model, the borderline suffers greatly. Their solution is to seek out the perfect love, aiming to regulate their inner turmoil through an ‘ideal’ partner. By establishing love with the perfect person, the borderline can calm their fear and alleviate their suffering through a bright future with a beloved who will never leave them.