Can Narcissism Be Healed?
Healing complex trauma is a difficult endeavour fraught with challenges, as the damage done is woven into thousands of experiences while being lodged deep into the person’s being from a young age. It can feel like trying to untangle a thousand-foot string that has been rolling in a washing machine for decades.
As narcissism is a post-traumatic condition, we can ask the same question: Can it be healed? The short answer, as most already know, is no. The long answer, however, reveals more nuance and possibility.
The first thing to consider is: Do you exhibit covert or overt narcissism? This is crucial to know, because the road to healing will vary depending on the kind of narcissism you have.
Overt Narcissism
The overt narcissist will have the most difficulty healing their narcissism because they are addicted to the high. They have a firm belief in their specialness, and a lifetime reinforcement of narcissistic supply, both of which are extremely difficult to let go of. Why be normal when you can be powerful?
Overt narcissists usually function within a social hierarchy that reinforces their narcissism. Think of the spiritual leader, or the golden child of the family. There are external forces at play reinforcing their specialness. Narcissistic parents can always sharpen their skills on their children, and feel a sense of superiority by the mere fact that they created the child. Children are also conditioned to see their parents as special and more powerful than them. This dynamic can be intoxicating to the parent.
Golden children also have their parent’s reinforcement in turn. Together, the narcissistic parent and golden child reinforce each other’s narcissism. Even lone wolves tend to have a steady supply of unsuspecting targets to draw from. As long as the stream of narcissistic supply can be maintained, why stop?
Let’s say that the overt narcissist runs out of supply, or falls out of their position in their hierarchy of dominance. What then? Awaiting them is the karma of a lifetime of denying their True Self. Toxic shame, anger, panic and emptiness await them. Will they go through the dark night of the soul, undergo treacherous suffering and transformation, so they can come out on the other side… normal?
Yes, healing from narcissism leads to nothing special. That is the whole point. You are not special because you have decided in your mind. You are a living, breathing human being tasked with actualising and contributing your gifts to the world. Being real brings real rewards, but it also brings challenges and accountability. There is no magical escape. For that, you need cooperation and humility. Empathy. Patience. Power sharing. Responsibility. Being a healthy human being is hard, and it is uncomfortable.
But what about the other side of the coin?
Covert/Vulnerable Narcissism
The covert narcissist has a different challenge. Where the overt narcissist has consistent reinforcement from the outside, the covert narcissist has nothing. By all measures, they seem to be normal. Flat even. There is nothing special about them to the eye. Yet their ‘specialness’ lies out of sight. In the recesses of their inner shadow, lurking, looking to exert itself when the ‘time is ripe’.
