How Narcissists Hijack The Authority
A symptom of narcissistic abuse which acts under the radar is the chronic feeling of walking on eggshells — of questioning every tiny action you make. Whether you decide to brush your hair a different way or are stacking dishes, you seem to have this pervasive anxiety that you are doing things wrong. On top of that, you have an unshakeable urge to look to an external authority to tell you the ‘right’ way to act, to live life, even the right way to be yourself.
Targets of narcissistic abuse are like fish swimming in the waters of incompetence and inferiority. They rarely question this state of mind, experiencing it as a core aspect of who they are. It is as though they were born that way.
In truth, this mindset is the outcome of a systematic psychological assault — by someone who must hold superiority at all times. Not only will the narcissist refuse to share the authority over your relationship, they insist on becoming the authority over you.
Using three steps, narcissists corrode their target’s self-esteem, willpower and agency; reducing the target to being a passenger in their own life.
The narcissist achieves this as follows:
1. They Turn On The Spotlight
The narcissist is always watching. You feel the heat of their judging stare on you at all times. Their probing questions and comments can come at any moment:
“Why are you doing it that way?”
“Do you have to do that now?”
“Are you sure that’s how it’s done?”
“I’ve got a better way of doing that.”
“Did you do _______ first?”
“I told you not to do that.”
The narcissist constantly puts you under the microscope, until you are forced to question yourself before every step. The narcissist’s aim is to assault your critical thinking before replacing it with their voice.
Developing agency in your life is a process of trial and error. While someone may be able to pre-empt missteps and help you correct course early, there is enormous value in learning from your mistakes. Furthermore, we all have a creative drive within us which is stunted when others interject in our work on a problem or task. Having agency means feeling ownership over your willpower, and gaining the confidence to guide it with your inner good sense and wisdom. Self-actualisation demands that we have the space and freedom to ‘mess up’.
The narcissist’s true aim when they shine a spotlight on you is not to help you grow; it is about maintaing control. The narcissist requires an iron grip over the relationship, and what better way to achieve it than to reduce you to a child-like state?
By hobbling your sense of agency and crushing your willpower, the narcissist makes you less likely to develop the personal power to stand up to them. If left unchecked, the searing heat of the narcissist’s spotlight weighs down your confidence with shame, leaving you paralysed and unable to develop momentum in your life.
