A World Beyond Narcissism
Premium articles on narcissism and other cluster B types. Find freedom and personal power through knowledge of psychology and the practice of spirituality.
How To Spot A Narcissist Early
From the obnoxious person at a social gathering, to meeting a narcissist while dating, to the manipulative ex who leaves you with lifetime scars, the term ‘narcissist’ is an umbrella term which can leave you asking: How can you spot a narcissist before it’s too late?
As many targets of narcissistic abuse can attest, this question often leads down a rabbit hole which challenges everything you thought you knew about people. Yet learning to spot a narcissist early is a crucial skill in avoiding narcissistic abuse.
Spot A Narcissist By The Things They Say
What the narcissist says can reveal their agenda, even when it seems like what they are saying is mundane or even nice.
Some phrases the narcissist uses and their hidden meanings are:
I like you: Usually said very soon after they meet you. This only means that they feel they can draw narcissistic supply from you.
I never…: This is followed by something which raises their perceived worth in the eyes of others. Examples are: ‘I never have to line up’, ‘I never fail a test’ or ‘I never get rejected’. Everyone lines up for things, occasionally fails tests, and gets rejected, so such statements only act as ways to put dents in your self-esteem.
Why do you…?: ‘Why do you dress like that?’ ‘Why did you pick that colour?’ and so on. These phrases are intended to destabilise your sense of Self and make you question your decision-making.
You’re cute: 2-year-olds are cute. This phrase only acts to remind you that you are submissive to the narcissist.
How The Narcissist Makes You Feel
Of all the narcissist’s traits, it is crucial to consider how they make you feel. Signs you are dealing with a narcissist include the following:
A Burning Feeling Of Shame
Shame is an unpleasant emotion. At its mildest, it is a slight ache in the chest and a loss of vigour. At its most potent, it physically deflates you — your head sinks into your shoulders, your shoulders slump, and your body crumples.
Shame emotionally stunts you — your brain feels foggy and sluggish, you question yourself, you lose heart and you hold back your feelings and opinions. It’s an emotion that reduces your mental capacity — you draw a blank and can’t think or come up with any ideas.
If you spot this happening to you when in the presence of a certain person, it could very well be a sign that they are a narcissist who has been slowly wearing down your self-esteem.
Shame is one of the most powerful emotions the narcissist exploits. It is the emotion of worth which drives a person to redeem themselves.
The narcissist’s strategy around shame is two-fold. Firstly, they act shameless by avoiding accountability, talking themselves up, and denying any fault or wrong doing. By constantly framing themselves this way, the narcissist sets themselves apart from the other ‘flawed’ person.
Secondly, the narcissist shames their target by ridiculing them, pointing out their flaws and questioning their choices. This puts them on the back foot and causes them to feel inferior.
A Dull Sense Of Despair
One of the signs that you have a narcissist in your life is the ‘endless treadmill’ dream. In this nightmare, you are trying to catch someone or obtain something, but you never quite catch it.
A relationship with a narcissist is just like chasing a unicorn. You fight and scramble to connect authentically, yet you never quite get it.
5 Examples Of Covert Narcissistic Abuse For The Uninitiated
A narcissist must always be special and superior to others. This much we know. There are many examples of the ways they achieve this. Showboating.Pretending. Talking over you. The covert narcissist, on the other hand, works in the shadows. They hypnotise you while relying on your lack of awareness of their covert narcissistic abuse. Rather than inflate themselves, they achieve a sense of superiority by deflating you instead.
The covert narcissist has two aims:
To enforce control over you.
To maintain a mismatch in the relationship, with you at the bottom.
On the surface, all seems fine when you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Meanwhile, the slow-acting poison of their covert narcissistic abuse sets in. That dark, heavy feeling of shame descends. You become less assertive, and less able to say no. You question yourself. Your legitimacy. Your right to speak out. How did this happen?
Awareness breaks the cycle. Here are five examples of covert narcissistic abuse which are difficult to spot:
Example 1: Comparing You To Others
During a discussion about your future, the covert narcissist reminds you that the next-door neighbour’s daughter is already engaged. As you chat about your health and fitness goals, the covert narcissist reminisces on how in-shape their ex was.
Comparison is one of the most brutal ways our inner critic shames us. We compare ourselves to others constantly, and the more we do, the worse we feel.
Yet we often forget that this subtle and cruel tactic can come from outside. So-and-so did it, why can’t you?Look at what so-and-so did, isn’t that great? In these two examples of covert narcissistic abuse, the first is an on-the-nose comparison, whereas the second example leaves it to you to make the comparison. In both cases, shame is the result.
The covert narcissist ‘innocently’ points something out, and their target is left to feel insufficient as a result. Even when it is done under the guise of supporting you, comparison is terribly shaming, and almost always counter-productive.
In the pursuit of a goal, comparison can spur healthy shame and encourage you to improve.
Yet the only healthy way to grow is by comparing yourself to your past self.
Each day is a chance to be better than you were yesterday. Each day is a chance to grow. What others are doing and what stage they are at is their business.
The Narcissist’s 4 Steps For Control
1, 2, 3, 4 – it goes as follows:
1. Lure in
To obtain narcissistic supply, a narcissist creates a container for their target to enter into. This is often a social group i.e a business, a spiritual movement, a friendship circle, even a family.
The container can be psychological, in that the narcissist verbally engages you to gather how susceptible you are to lower your boundaries and enter their world.
It can also be romantic, where the narcissist may seduce you to lure you in.
In any case, the narcissist needs you in their ‘territory’.
2. Charm
The narcissist has your time and attention. Now they need your investment of Self. To soften you up, they will shower you with attention, care, interest and compliments.
Can A Narcissist Turn Into An Empath?
Narcissism arises early in childhood due to a mother who is too distracted to see the child and mirror back their True Self. As a result, narcissism lies at the core of a person.
An empath, also known as a highly-sensitive person, is someone who develops a dependent style of attachment. The empath pays close attention to their loved ones and tries to anticipate their reactions. The empath abandons their own needs, and lives vicariously through others. The tiniest reaction, both negative and positive, impacts the empath immensely. Disapproval crushes the empath, approval fills them with hope and euphoria.
This dependent style of attachment develops throughout a person’s life, and exists on the surface of their personality. It is an adaptive behaviour used to create a sense of security and ward off abandonment through neediness and anticipating the emotions of others.
In some cases, an empath has a covert, narcissistic core. That is, their narcissism lay dormant beneath their dependence, and rarely came out. An empath with a covert narcissistic core craves adulation, and is prone to the idealise-devalue-discard cycle. However, their neediness and attachment to others kept them in relationships in a subservient position.
Over time, the empath with a covert, narcissistic core may grow frustrated and angry by the people in their life who use and manipulate them.