A World Beyond Narcissism
Premium articles on narcissism and other cluster B types. Find freedom and personal power through knowledge of psychology and the practice of spirituality.
Escaping The Narcissist’s Sado-Masochistic World
A narcissistic relationship begins in a utopian state of wonder and bliss, before devolving into a hellscape of ritualistic humiliation, rejection and abuse. As the months pass, the narcissist’s attitude grows colder, their comments more biting, and their abuses more painful. Even the sex can become rougher and more crude.
As the target’s self-esteem plummets from their treatment, the narcissist amps up the abuse into a sadistic fervour, which further erodes the target’s self-esteem, hence reinforcing the cycle.
This raises the question: If someone treats you so badly and disrespectfully, why not just walk away?
Those who know what a trauma bond is understand why a target puts up with abuse. Those who know what a sunk-cost fallacy is understand that the more the target invests, the more likely they are to remain, hoping for an eventual return on their investment. The target’s (magical) reasoning is that the more love they show the narcissist, the more it will heal them both and lead to a happy ending. To the outside observer, however, the target seems like a masochist begging for pain. And in some ways, they would be right.
Welcome to the sado-masochistic world of the narcissist.
Venturing Into The Darkness
So what gives? Why does a narcissist devolve into emotional, sexual and physical sadism? What is fuelling this horrible behaviour? And long before the target invested their mind, body, soul and finances into the relationship, long before the trauma bond set in, why did the target accept the punishment doled out by the narcissist?
The answer lies in two places: The narcissist’s unconscious, and the target’s unconscious. Deep inside both lies a mysterious figure, acting from the shadows, infecting the narcissist and target’s every decision, helping to reinforce the sado-masochistic cycle as it devolves into a chaotic storm of confusion, humiliation and pain.
Every narcissistic relationship has a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ person. The narcissist knows exactly which one they are, and ensures their ‘goodness’ by provoking the target’s ‘badness’ through shaming, criticising, ridiculing, undermining and attacking the target.
For their part, the target contributes to their ‘badness’ or ‘lessness’ by sublimating themselves to the narcissist. They see little wrong with allowing the narcissist to control their life, have their way in bed, and be the judge of all they do. The target inherently believes that they are less capable and less intelligent than the narcissist. Caught in their idealisation, the target sees the narcissist as the divine answer to all the ‘badness’ they carry inside — even when they are not aware of the fact.
Popular psychology talks a lot about the ‘critical voice’ in people’s heads. This incessant tormenter questions your every decision, judges every facet about you, and reminds you in no uncertain terms how inferior, incompetent and horrible you are.
Why A Narcissistic Relationship Is So Devastating
A narcissistic relationship is a grand fiction built with lofty ideas and dopamine.
A narcissist enters every relationship ‘drugged up’ on grandiosity, exhibiting uncanny confidence and enthusiasm. The narcissist achieves this by idealising their target, dissociating from their repressed shadow, and compartmentalising reality in a specific way — only good vibes and superior concepts are allowed into this grandiosity-fuelled space.
Dazzled by the show, the target lowers their boundaries. They allow themselves to enjoy being adulated as perfect, and revels in being made the single focus of an ‘amazing’ person’s attention. Being idealised is intoxicating. Much like a drug, the idealisation experience gradually overwhelms the target’s senses, until their reality is consumed by fantasy.
Shawshanking Free Of A Trauma Bond With A Narcissist
A relationship with a narcissist consists of layers which, much like endless cloud cover, eventually shroud your days in darkness.
It begins with a bright fantasy, as the narcissist conjures grand visions of love, deep connection, family, success and boundless adventure.
Meanwhile, the narcissist combines this with love bombing, which gradually entangles and suffocates you in a spider web of attachment.
The narcissist then fills your every waking minute with their voice, desires and presence. Every inch of real estate in your mind and soul becomes theirs, leaving you unable to imagine a life without them.
The final layer is intermittent reinforcement, where the narcissist flip-flops from showering you with care, hope and attention, to terrorising, humiliating, confusing, manipulating, abusing and gaslighting you. Much like the person who sits for hours on end in front of a slot machine pulling the lever, you become addicted to the narcissist, hoping that the ideal fantasy they sold you and sprinkled into your life will magically replace their abusiveness for good. That is, you hope to ‘hit the jackpot’ with the narcissist — a jackpot which they promised you.
These four layers meshed together form a trauma bond; a dystopian, pain-filled ‘love’ which targets of narcissism find near-impossible to break free from. As is the case with all narcissistic relationships, a person eventually reaches a point where the pain becomes greater than the pleasure. The fantasy flickers and morphs into a nightmare, while harsh reality seeps in through the cracks.
It is at this point that you might decide to leave the relationship. Yet making a conscious choice is one thing, following through is another. Once the trauma bond has set in, it permeates your mind, body and soul. It is like you have stared into Medusa’s eyes and turned to stone. Every time you try to leave or move on, you are flooded by aches, longings, doubts, fear and yearnings which pull you back into the narcissist’s sphere. It seems like you will never find freedom.
However, by working within the layers of the trauma bond, a person can find hidden doorways out of the pain and confusion. Emanating through these doors are rays of light, shining the way to freedom and transformation.
The four-step process to breaking free of a trauma bond is as follows:
Expose The Fantasy
Targets of narcissism become emotionally attached to the potential of their relationship. That is, they fall in love with the idea of the narcissist.
During the heady first months of their relationship to the narcissist, they feel amazing. They are filled with hope, dopamine and audacity. They build a house of cards in their imagination filled with everything their relationship could be. Because the narcissist is so certain, so energised and so confident in this vision, it gradually becomes what the relationship will be.
Flickers in this fantasy show when the narcissist’s true nature breaks through, which happens more and more after the initial honeymoon period wanes.
A Letter To Those Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
Show me a hero, and I’ll write you a tragedy.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Like waking from a years-long coma, to escape narcissistic abuse is to be resurrected. The spell breaks, and you see the world with new eyes. Life regains its vibrancy, hope seeps back into your heart, and for the first time in a long time, you dare to dream of a better future.
Then the honeymoon ends, and the night sets in. You find yourself in a world that has moved on without you, while the aftershocks of your ordeal rise to the surface. Waves of emotion, nightmares, even panic attacks seem to come from nowhere. For a time you struggle with recovery, having good days and bad, occasionally reaching a point of clarity and focus. Other times you find yourself thrust into the fog of despair and confusion. The crushing loneliness feels like it will never end.
As you progress with recovery, you start having more good days, and the flashbacks taper off. It seems like the worst is over. This is a time to reflect, to understand what happened. You draw comfort from the fact that your efforts are paying off. You are growing, and you are healing. You look ahead with newfound clarity, and the realisations hit you one by one. You find that your earlier innocence has given way to an emerging awareness and wisdom. You are maturing and discovering confronting truths about your world. Your eyes are opening.
Something new is also surfacing inside you, having appeared soon after the spell broke. You grow curious about this ‘strange other’, but also unsettled. It trembles your foundations and brings with it an ominous warning. You get a sense that nothing will be the same again, that you are standing on a precipice. Far from fleeing, however, you find yourself drawn within, toward a boundless realm filled with opportunity. You eventually get on with your life, but you cannot help occasionally peeping inside the dark, mysterious cave. It whispers to you, sends ripples through you, and draws you in with its allure. If you go too far inside, however, you quickly feel unnerved and return your focus to the outer world of distraction.
Feeling Alive Again After Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse only takes place if you can be convinced to rewrite the script in your mind about who you are and what your life is about.
We all live with a personal myth; a set of beliefs which outline how we should live, why we should live, and who we are in the scope of society. We usually source this from our family and the world at large.
As children, we possess an overabundance of aliveness, and it is the role of family and society to teach us which impulses are allowed, which we should dampen, and which we should outright kill off.
In a free, empowering family or society, we are given plenty of space and opportunity to express our passion, dreams and energy. We can chase goals, speak up for what we need, make noise, take up space, dance, and more. This is the essence of aliveness; feeling that you have a right to spontaneously express your life energy on your terms.
A narcissist interferes with this process for two reasons:
Your spontaneous aliveness makes you powerful, and therefore difficult to control.
Redirecting your aliveness away from life and toward the narcissist makes you a much more efficient source of narcissistic supply.
The narcissist rewrites your script by engaging you and bombarding you with alleged ‘facts’ about yourself in the form of shaming and fear-mongering. They tell you everything you do wrong, question every decision you make, and ridicule anything that does not fit the myth they have for you. If you do not comply, they give you the silent treatment, triangulate or threaten to leave.
Can Narcissistic Abuse Kill You?
People can ‘live’ with narcissistic abuse for years, if not decades. The damage being done, in the meantime, is like a slow-acting poison that slowly kills you.
As shame increases and self-esteem plummets, your curiosity and willpower slowly wither away. To fit into the narcissist’s rigid role, you have to restrict your natural flow of life energy. In short, you deaden the dynamic and spontaneous elements of the Self. You question yourself, judge yourself and hold yourself back. In time, you stop ‘living’ life to the fullest. We all die eventually, but for targets of narcissistic abuse, the process starts much sooner.
Going No Contact From A Narcissist: A Battle Strategy
Going no contact from a narcissist can be a hellish experience, much like cold turkey after substance addiction.
If the narcissist has discarded you, it can feel like losing a limb overnight. The disorientation and sudden pain leaves you nauseous at the edge of a cliff. Even if you were the one to end the relationship due to the abuse, the pain and longings can torture you to the point of wanting to go back.
In any case, a clean break with a narcissist is rarely possible.
Preparing For War
Going no contact is a smart idea. Like a spreading cancer, however, it can feel like chemotherapy on your soul. Without no contact, the narcissistic cancer maintains open channels to continue its spread. This brutal override of your insatiable impulses will, in the long term, save your life.
Once you have declared no contact, the civil war begins. The terrible loneliness seeps in. Sleepless, anxiety-filled nights dominate your moon-lit hours. Torturous ruminations about what the narcissist is doing, and if they are thinking of you, circle you like vultures. The haunting sense of abandonment poisons your blood. The cutting agony of heartbreak whips you like a thousand lashes deep into your chest. The beautiful memories linger before you like a mirage. The warm longings for reunion and wholeness seduce you into wanting to return to the narcissist.
While it might be difficult to see when you are in the middle of it, the breakup is in fact revealing to you crucial truths. These messages are an important facet of the breakup which can be missed by those grieving and suffering. This can keep you from seeing the opportunities for growth which inherently lie within the no contact experience.
Like all wars, you need a strategy, and you need a plan for the ‘day after’. That is, you need to understand how you will get through the worst of it, and what awaits you on the other side.
The strategy for coping with and thriving after no contact is as follows:
Minimise Trigger Sources
This is widely documented already. Delete your photos with the narcissist. Block them on social media. Get rid of objects that remind you of them. Avoid places you went together. And so on. Any of these can trigger emotions, ruminations and longings in you which make letting go of the past vastly more difficult.
How To Stop Being Angry At A Narcissist
In the same way you gave up your power to a narcissist, they continue to control you through your anger. What they say, how they act, how they treat you, what they do and the decisions they make; you have decided that the narcissist can press your anger button in such ways.
Anger is an uncomfortable emotion. It is also stigmatised in society. Being angry, in and of its own, is ‘immoral’. However, being angry at someoneabsolves us of that immorality. They did something wrong, and so we have the right to feel our anger.
Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse Flashbacks And Finding Presence
Narcissistic abuse remains lodged in a person’s body and soul as trauma. At the time of the abuse, the target of narcissism did not have the capacity to process it, since their mental faculties and willpower were compromised.
Overcoming The Dark Depression Of Narcissistic Abuse
Depression is a healing tonic which restores the Self to a point of equilibrium. Remember that while in the narcissistic relationship, you were identified with a grandiose construct, i.e. the false Self of the narcissist. Your old identity was peeled away, and you were reprogrammed with a new, submissive identity according to the narcissist’s tastes. This false identity is now crumbling, and your ego is undergoing a process of grief. That is the depression you are feeling.
Rediscovering Love After Narcissistic Abuse
Love is like God, in that it:
a) Does not need your belief in it to continue existing, and,
b) Is something that is deeply entrenched in our being, whether we like it or not.
A narcissist takes love and shapes it for their own purposes, funnelling it into narcissistic supply. This is what narcissistic abuse is: A betrayal of your love.
Love is the free flow of life energy. We love, or we die. Simple. It is the reason children cling so dearly to their parents. Why people connect, share and play together. Why the target of narcissism stays in a relationship with a narcissist. From our conception to our last breath, we are born to love.
The Importance Of Grieving After Narcissistic Abuse
After the initial high of the ‘light-bulb’ moment passes, when you have awoken to the truth and created distance from the narcissist, a heaviness might come over you, threatening to pull you down into a terrifying abyss.
Grief is a healing tonic which restores the Self to a point of equilibrium, clearing the way for someone new to emerge within you. It is a necessary part of recovering from narcissistic abuse.
The Death Before The Rebirth
While in a narcissistic relationship, you were identified with a grandiose construct i.e. the false self of the narcissist. The narcissist presented you with a confident, bullet-proof persona who had all the answers, and who could conspire with you to create a fantastical future. The perfect love. Success. Family. Anything you dared dream of.
The narcissist also knew the ‘right’ way to live. They judged your every move, suggested what you should do more, and what you should stop doing. They questioned anything about you they did not like. Even your friends and family.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: Where To Begin
Narcissistic abuse recovery is an arduous process. This beginner’s guide to healing can help you establish momentum in your journey toward freedom and growth.
Narcissistic abuse is a rigid funnel which sucks you into a state of mental and emotional claustrophobia. At first, your relationship with the narcissist appeared to be a wide-open space filled with opportunity.
But as you poured more and more energy into it, you felt the space around you vanish, and the psychological walls converging. As a result, narcissistic abuse seriously affected your willpower and rendered you powerless to fight back.
Having rid yourself of the narcissist, you now feel stuck in a different way:
The remnants of narcissistic abuse are holding you back from healing and moving on.
Yet all it takes to make a difference is a shift in perspective, and a little bit of support. Once you light the spark, there’s no telling how brightly the fire will burn.
To start the process of recovering from narcissistic abuse:
1. Drop The Victim Label
As long as you view yourself as a victim, you will unconsciously perpetuate and empower narcissism and stunt your recovery from narcissistic abuse.Although our experiences do shape us and define our present, creating an identity out of them is completely up to us.
The alternative to being a victim of narcissism is to consider yourself a targetinstead.
For one reason or another, you found yourself on the radar of a narcissist.That can happen to anybody, either through birth or misfortune.
The minute you become conscious of how detrimental narcissism has been to your life, you gain the profound power of choice in your narcissistic abuse recovery.
You can either let your past conditioning influence you, or you can decide to work toward a new future based on new experiences, which eventually overwrite the old ones.
How a person identifies themselves is hugely important. A label is a self-fulfilling prophecy which only deepens. Will you be a victim without power, or a target who is no longer willing to be manipulated by narcissistic abuse?
2. Establish A Space Immune From Narcissistic Abuse
The road to recovering from narcissistic abuse can be long, painful and full of frustration. This is because narcissists take away your greatest asset: your space.
We all need physical space to feel safe, psychological space to think and make wise choices, and emotional space to connect deeply with our True Self.