The Principles Of A Happy Family
Having written a lot about narcissistic and dysfunctional families, I spent some time considering what a ‘healthy’ family might be like, and came up with the following set of values:
Secure Attachment
There is no such thing as spoiling an infant in a healthy family. The mother and father know the importance of safety and connection in helping the child establish trust in others and a strong sense of Self.
As much as humanly possible, the healthy parent will remain open and empathic to their kid, giving them ample touch, eye contact, attention and mirroring.
Temporary Worship
While the child bonds with the parent, the guardians of a healthy family are careful not to abuse their child’s vulnerable position. They allow the child to depend wholly on them as a coping mechanism but they do not encourage it.
The parent will instead work with the child to help them transition from a state of dependence and worship to a state of personal power. The guardians are leaders, not demagogues. They communicate this by exhibiting healthy shame, which includes acknowledging their limits and accepting accountability for their wrong actions.
Over time, the parents demonstrate their flaws, and support the child in coming to terms with the fact that the only person who knows best for the child is the child. It only takes a long process of learning to trust their intuition and inner wisdom, and having the courage to make hard decisions in the world.
Personal Power
Infantilisation is supposed to be for a limited time — during infancy and early childhood. The more the child grows, the more they are encouraged to attend to their own needs. The guardian teaches the child the importance of informed decision-making and life skills, and that the reins for their life belong in their own hands.
