Escaping The Narcissist’s Sado-Masochistic World
A narcissistic relationship begins in a utopian state of wonder and bliss, before devolving into a hellscape of ritualistic humiliation, rejection and abuse. As the months pass, the narcissist’s attitude grows colder, their comments more biting, and their abuses more painful. Even the sex can become rougher and more crude.
As the target’s self-esteem plummets from their treatment, the narcissist amps up the abuse into a sadistic fervour, which further erodes the target’s self-esteem, hence reinforcing the cycle.
This raises the question: If someone treats you so badly and disrespectfully, why not just walk away?
Those who know what a trauma bond is understand why a target puts up with abuse. Those who know what a sunk-cost fallacy is understand that the more the target invests, the more likely they are to remain, hoping for an eventual return on their investment. The target’s (magical) reasoning is that the more love they show the narcissist, the more it will heal them both and lead to a happy ending. To the outside observer, however, the target seems like a masochist begging for pain. And in some ways, they would be right.
Welcome to the sado-masochistic world of the narcissist.
Venturing Into The Darkness
So what gives? Why does a narcissist devolve into emotional, sexual and physical sadism? What is fuelling this horrible behaviour? And long before the target invested their mind, body, soul and finances into the relationship, long before the trauma bond set in, why did the target accept the punishment doled out by the narcissist?
The answer lies in two places: The narcissist’s unconscious, and the target’s unconscious. Deep inside both lies a mysterious figure, acting from the shadows, infecting the narcissist and target’s every decision, helping to reinforce the sado-masochistic cycle as it devolves into a chaotic storm of confusion, humiliation and pain.
Every narcissistic relationship has a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ person. The narcissist knows exactly which one they are, and ensures their ‘goodness’ by provoking the target’s ‘badness’ through shaming, criticising, ridiculing, undermining and attacking the target.
For their part, the target contributes to their ‘badness’ or ‘lessness’ by sublimating themselves to the narcissist. They see little wrong with allowing the narcissist to control their life, have their way in bed, and be the judge of all they do. The target inherently believes that they are less capable and less intelligent than the narcissist. Caught in their idealisation, the target sees the narcissist as the divine answer to all the ‘badness’ they carry inside — even when they are not aware of the fact.
Popular psychology talks a lot about the ‘critical voice’ in people’s heads. This incessant tormenter questions your every decision, judges every facet about you, and reminds you in no uncertain terms how inferior, incompetent and horrible you are.
