A World Beyond Narcissism
Premium articles on narcissism and other cluster B types. Find freedom and personal power through knowledge of psychology and the practice of spirituality.
5 Examples Of Covert Narcissistic Abuse For The Uninitiated
A narcissist must always be special and superior to others. This much we know. There are many examples of the ways they achieve this. Showboating.Pretending. Talking over you. The covert narcissist, on the other hand, works in the shadows. They hypnotise you while relying on your lack of awareness of their covert narcissistic abuse. Rather than inflate themselves, they achieve a sense of superiority by deflating you instead.
The covert narcissist has two aims:
To enforce control over you.
To maintain a mismatch in the relationship, with you at the bottom.
On the surface, all seems fine when you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Meanwhile, the slow-acting poison of their covert narcissistic abuse sets in. That dark, heavy feeling of shame descends. You become less assertive, and less able to say no. You question yourself. Your legitimacy. Your right to speak out. How did this happen?
Awareness breaks the cycle. Here are five examples of covert narcissistic abuse which are difficult to spot:
Example 1: Comparing You To Others
During a discussion about your future, the covert narcissist reminds you that the next-door neighbour’s daughter is already engaged. As you chat about your health and fitness goals, the covert narcissist reminisces on how in-shape their ex was.
Comparison is one of the most brutal ways our inner critic shames us. We compare ourselves to others constantly, and the more we do, the worse we feel.
Yet we often forget that this subtle and cruel tactic can come from outside. So-and-so did it, why can’t you?Look at what so-and-so did, isn’t that great? In these two examples of covert narcissistic abuse, the first is an on-the-nose comparison, whereas the second example leaves it to you to make the comparison. In both cases, shame is the result.
The covert narcissist ‘innocently’ points something out, and their target is left to feel insufficient as a result. Even when it is done under the guise of supporting you, comparison is terribly shaming, and almost always counter-productive.
In the pursuit of a goal, comparison can spur healthy shame and encourage you to improve.
Yet the only healthy way to grow is by comparing yourself to your past self.
Each day is a chance to be better than you were yesterday. Each day is a chance to grow. What others are doing and what stage they are at is their business.
The Narcissist’s 4 Steps For Control
1, 2, 3, 4 – it goes as follows:
1. Lure in
To obtain narcissistic supply, a narcissist creates a container for their target to enter into. This is often a social group i.e a business, a spiritual movement, a friendship circle, even a family.
The container can be psychological, in that the narcissist verbally engages you to gather how susceptible you are to lower your boundaries and enter their world.
It can also be romantic, where the narcissist may seduce you to lure you in.
In any case, the narcissist needs you in their ‘territory’.
2. Charm
The narcissist has your time and attention. Now they need your investment of Self. To soften you up, they will shower you with attention, care, interest and compliments.
Can A Narcissist Turn Into An Empath?
Narcissism arises early in childhood due to a mother who is too distracted to see the child and mirror back their True Self. As a result, narcissism lies at the core of a person.
An empath, also known as a highly-sensitive person, is someone who develops a dependent style of attachment. The empath pays close attention to their loved ones and tries to anticipate their reactions. The empath abandons their own needs, and lives vicariously through others. The tiniest reaction, both negative and positive, impacts the empath immensely. Disapproval crushes the empath, approval fills them with hope and euphoria.
This dependent style of attachment develops throughout a person’s life, and exists on the surface of their personality. It is an adaptive behaviour used to create a sense of security and ward off abandonment through neediness and anticipating the emotions of others.
In some cases, an empath has a covert, narcissistic core. That is, their narcissism lay dormant beneath their dependence, and rarely came out. An empath with a covert narcissistic core craves adulation, and is prone to the idealise-devalue-discard cycle. However, their neediness and attachment to others kept them in relationships in a subservient position.
Over time, the empath with a covert, narcissistic core may grow frustrated and angry by the people in their life who use and manipulate them.