What Makes Men Manly?
By JH Simon
Resentment has been brewing between Rachael and her husband for years. The couple ignored the tension simmering beneath the surface much like two ostriches with their heads in the sand, hoping that it would magically go away. Rachael’s husband spent progressively less and less time in the home, and more hours at work or going on long runs. When he chose to invest months training for a big event and refused to attend the birth of their second child, it was the beginning of the end.
Mikaela barely sees her father. When Mikaela was 6, her father abandoned her, her two sisters and her mother. She reconciled with him in her late teens, but has been a low priority as her father continues to focus mainly on his career.
What creates a broken home? What causes a father to grow resentful, distant and unavailable? What destroys a father’s dependability, strength and joy? What makes a man a shell of his former self, leading to him abandoning the most meaningful group of people in his life?
A Slow Motion Tragedy
The collapse of a man can have many reasons. Perhaps he loses his job and becomes depressed. Maybe he and his wife have ‘irreconcilable differences’ which only rear their head later in the relationship. Or could his selfishness have taken him over? Was he seduced by single life? Or was he simply ‘not man enough’?
Before judging a man, it might benefit us (and him) if we looked deeper into his tragedy, which was written long before he laid eyes on his future wife.
We hear a lot about deadbeat fathers in popular culture. We feel the pain and despair of fatherless children who express their plight through story, song and infinite dysfunctional behaviours. Yet never do we question the plight of the father himself, who we dismiss as an abject failure. If we did enquire, he may look deep within himself, and admit that, in fact, he had felt like a failure his entire life.
The Soul Of A Man
How does a father parent well when he himself was never well-parented?How does a house stand without its foundation? Perhaps it may appear fine for some years, before cracks appear in its walls as it slowly sinks into the ground before finally collapsing altogether.
When a man with a traumatising childhood looks upon his child, it connects him with his inner child, who remains cowering in the corner, betrayed and hurt, unseen and unloved. This image cuts to the core of all fathers who fail.
A boy who is seen, protected, accepted, encouraged and loved shines brightly. He knows he can be himself without fear. He leaps out into the world with burning curiosity, ready to test his competence, resilience and lovability. He grows and evolves in spontaneous ways, building lasting relationships and learning infinite skills which raise his stature. Before long, the boy becomes a teenager, and then becomes a man.
This is what the ‘soul’ of an anchored, empowered man looks like. It shows in his body language, his attitude, his energy, his status and his decision-making. But what of the man who lacks this soul?
A Ticking Time Bomb
Time waits for nobody. All boys must physically grow into men. Yet the boy who was neglected, attacked, ridiculed, terrified and abused freezes in time. Rather than possessing the bright reactor of a man’s soul, within him lies his traumatised child.
This boy in a man’s body has low self-esteem and is sensitive to criticism. He daydreams, and feels daunted by external responsibility. He craves love and acceptance, yet never gets enough. When others demand his attention and energy, he quickly feels depleted. He carries the immense shame, guilt, anger and resentment of his terrifying, painful childhood.
On the surface, the man carrying a traumatised child appears somewhat awkward, yet normal. When the pressure is low, he makes himself available with the best intentions. Social expectations and a deep yearning to be loved and accepted eventually lead him into the arms of a woman.
Yet he is a ticking time bomb. His fickle core quickly pushes up against the immense pressure of reality. His responsibility to love and protect his children meets with his own repressed yearning to be loved and protected.
Reality is a wilderness to such a man. Driven by the high hopes of his young family and his desperate desire to measure up to his lofty responsibility, he steps into his new life like a sheep to the slaughter, causing immense damage to all people involved.
Hardship Makes The Man
If the spirit of manliness could be distilled into its purest form, it would be the capacity of a man to endure tension, to withstand the pressures of life.
A tenacious man builds his tenacity muscle by leaning into tension and stress every single day. With a powerful, manly core, he remains confident in his abilities while testing himself in unfamiliar situations that challenge him to evolve and grow.
There is something poetic about a man who dives into the dark unknown, unsure if he will emerge on the other side. For he who possesses the soul of a man, this becomes an exciting proposition. He conquers challenge after challenge, growing in stature and confidence. Yet even when he fails, he easily dusts himself off and tries again.
For the man with a traumatised core, the unknown becomes a terrifying prospect. Rather than growing in tenacity, he becomes re-traumatised by situations that challenge him beyond his capacity. He dreads being tested, since as far back as he remembers, he has always failed.
Tenacity emerges in early childhood, and flowers naturally from a powerful core. A traumatised man does not ‘work it out’ on the job. He requires decades of victories to build his foundation.
As his work and family responsibilities pile up, the traumatised man marches on while the cracks appear. Much like a house without a foundation, he begins to sink, feeling deeply shameful and angry at his incapacity to live up to expectations. Meanwhile, his inability to conquer hardships affects his family, who feel let down. His wife voices her distress, which only adds to his shame and stress. He grows resentful and pulls away. This cycle only grows worse as he numbs his emotions and distracts himself from the reality within and without.
Emotions Make The Man
Much like a river bank supporting gushing rapid waters, a man is a container. In the wild storms of life, he is an anchor.
Yet this does not mean he does not experience emotions. Who is more tenacious: The person who represses their feelings, or the one who stands firm in the eye of a storm of emotions? To feel fully and intensely — and remain grounded and calm nonetheless — is the essence of masculinity.
A sign of a man is not if he can resist crying, but if he can stand firm as the sobbing moves through him. A man can remain centred and aligned with his Higher Self through shame, through fear, through stress, through guilt — all while remaining rational and wise.
He who has the soul of a man masters his capacity to tame emotions over a lifetime. When he creates a family with his wife, he brings this quality into the home. He acts as an anchor during tumultuous times, and becomes a container within which his wife and children feel safe.
When times are tough, he remains calm. He not only contains his own emotions, but those of his wife and children. If his container is being tested, he leans into his tenacity and grows his container.
The man with the traumatised child inside not only lacks his anchor and container, he is completely cut off from his emotions. So not only are the emotions of others a threat to his balance, his own are as well. As a result, his family do not feel safe in his container, and begin to rely on themselves instead. This is a recipe for disaster.
Tribe Makes The Man
Men act. Men do. Men achieve. Yet a man can be masculine without doing anything.
When a man possesses the soul of a man, people can sense it. To anchor and contain others comes naturally to him, and this allows others to simply bathe in his presence. His wife or his children might sit next to him just to enjoy his container.
While a man can share his wisdom or fix a problem, the majority of his time will be spent being present. By being the anchor and container for his family, he grows as a man.
In many ways, you cannot separate man from tribe. A man without a tribe is like a knife without an object to cut. Men by their very nature are made to play their role in a tribe. This can be in a family, but also a community or other group. People appreciate the mere presence of a man in such environments, especially when he possesses the soul of a man. His masculine energy radiates at all times, and this has an immense flow-on effect. People feel more grounded and confident in his presence, and the whole tribe thrives as a result.
This is what is lacking in a fatherless home. Like a set of plants without sunshine, everyone suffers by his absence. This is the greatest tragedy of a man who is not ‘manly’, i.e. who lacks the soul of a man.
The Bleakness Of An Unmanly World
The absence of ‘manliness’ causes immense distress to a family unit. Perhaps this is why we as a society have no patience or empathy for men who fail. A wife and children let down by the man of their house fall into survival mode. It is only a matter of time before anger and resentment build. Ask any fatherless child how difficult their life has been, and you will be met with a flood of anguish and rage.
Once the soul of a man is lost, the negative effects flow into the next generations, echoing through the decades and centuries.
In a society hellbent on empowering women and fighting toxic masculinity, we may be losing sight of the value of manliness. Facing pressure from within and without, the man with a traumatised core seems to have no way out of his predicament.
The 21st Century Man’s One Hope
Yet since when have men as a collective shied away from a challenge? Options abound for those who possess the knowledge and courage to turn the tide.
The modern man with a compromised core must begin by looking within and admitting his truth. He must accept his reckoning by facing his trauma and being honest about his story. A man cannot change his childhood, yet he can stop deluding himself and let the truth have its day. Above all, he must make peace with his parents’ shortcomings, and finally: He must grieve for what he lost.
He must grieve for his manliness.
This grieving process will likely last many years. Meanwhile, the modern man can undergo trauma healing and bodywork. He can meditate, get therapy, do yoga, practice breathing exercises, spend time in nature and journal. While he cannot go back in time, he can transform his core in the present moment.
The modern man must then gradually challenge himself in all facets of life in a manageable way. By admitting his limits without giving in to despair, he can lean on the edge of stress each day. He can do this physically in the form of strength training, mentally in the form of career challenges, and emotionally in the form of building his container within healthy relationships.
Finally, the modern man should seek out a tribe where his gifts, limited as they may be, are appreciated and encouraged. He can be a mentor to the next generation. A loving uncle. A supportive friend. Or perhaps a leader of a community. The tribe makes the man.
To those men who yearn deeply for their manliness, your path toward your destiny awaits. Do not waste your chance.
